I solemnly swear
by c. sherwood
Summary: A glimpse into the Marauder's last years of Hogwarts through notes, conversations, essays, and general madness. ON HOLD.
1. Prologue

**M/N** **(Marauders' Note):** Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs would like to formally apologize ahead of time for any stupidity, bad puns involving Padfoot's given name, or general outcries from readers (ie: I wasted 10 minutes of my life reading this?) 

**A/N:** Don't you just love those four? he,he,he...my take on their last years at Hogwarts, I guess...but who really knows what it will turn out to be? I mean, what with me and Moony in the same vicinity. Y'know, in my mind and all...I'm a sirius-I mean, SERIOUS!-Moony fangirl. Let it be known, he is MINE.

PROLOGUE

**Charms Class**

**:From the Notes of the Marauders:**

Moony: You aren't listening, are you, Prongs?

Prongs: Listening to what?

Padfoot: Yeah, what?

Moony: ...sigh... You see, this place you're sitting in is called a classroom...

Padfoot: Huh?

Prongs: You have much knowledge

Wormtail: What did Flitwick just say?

Moony: I'll ask him later, and Prongs, you need to stop swooning over the back of Lily's head, and Padfoot, you need to stop trying to hook every eligible girl within the hour.

Padfoot: Sir, yes, Sir!

**Potions Class**

**:1 hour later:**

Padfoot: ...grins evilly... Look...Snape's head is in perfect aim of my wand...

Moony: And Slughorn has been watching your every move since the incident involving the love potion, Professor Sprout, and the headmaster. Withhold your urges, Padfoot.

Padfoot: ...pouts... You're no fun, you know that?

Prongs: Yeah, Moony. Common sense is overrated! Come on, you're a werewolf! Have some adventure in your life.

Moony: Don't go writing that down! What if someone gets ahold of this? We're in a classroom full of Slytherins!

Padfoot: I hadn't noticed.

Wormtail: Really?

Padfoot: shakes head No, Wormtail. No I didn't.

Prongs: Did-did he actually ask that?

Moony: I believe so...

Padfoot: Umm, anyway...if anyone saw the paper we'd just tell them it's a metaphor and Prongs always had a soft side for poetry.

Prongs: Of course.


	2. Why banned hexes should not be used

**M/N:** We'd like to know what you think of us. Especially of me...shut up Padfoot! What, you know they love me the best..you're just jealous, all of you! Jealous of you? Of course you are, Moony. And we all know Wormtail is. What? **_long suffering sigh_** Just R&R...tell Charmed that Moony sent you. 

**A/N:** Don't worry if you didn't get part of the above. I'm not sure I do...just follow the lovable werewolf's instructions!

**EXPERT FROM:** _Why Banned Charms should not be used on other Students _

by Sirius Black

_I'm being forced to write this, you know and against my beliefs of all things! This is a social injustice! Help, help, I'm being repressed!  
Okay, Professor...I'll write it. Stop pointing your wand at me (watch violence inherent the system)  
Banned charms should not be used on other students (namely hygienically-challenged Slytherins) for many reasons...first of all, because they are banned. Second of all, because they are a lot riskier then just using your average every day permitted charms. A good wingardium leviosa and stuff will just be hovering in wait to be dumped on their greasy, unsuspecting heads..._

**Later that day in the Gryffindor common room...a conversation between Moony and Padfoot:**

"So, Padfoot, did you survive detention with McGonagall?"  
"Very much. But she didn't seem to appreciate my writing...really, I thought it was brilliant"  
"You didn't quote Monty Python again, did you"  
"Err..."

**

* * *

**

The Marauders' Code of Conduct

1.Once a Marauder, Always a Marauder

2.The secrets of the four should never leak from the group

3.Moony's problem should never be referred to as 'that time of month'

4.Pranks will always be shared with your fellow Marauders

5.Under no circumstances will we ever agree with Snape

6.We will not use our powers for any real evil.

signed: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

* * *

**Transfiguration **

**:Two days after detention:**

Prongs: I think McGonagoll is happy we survived till seventh year, don't you?

Padfoot: Of course she is! She loves us!

Moony: Deep, deep down inside, I'm sure.

Padfoot: She likes you, at least, Moony. You're the perfect student...

Moony: Anyone who hangs out with the lot of you is far from the perfect student.

Prongs: My dear Moony, I'm offended that you would even think to imply that we weren't the height of perfection.

Padfoot: Why, every hair on my head is perfect!

Moony: Right.

Wormtail: There's is that one on the left...it's sticking up a bit...

Padfoot: WHAT?

Wormtail: I'm joking.

Prongs: Wormtail can joke?

Moony: He's spent too much time with you two. It wears off.

Padfoot: Never, and I mean, NEVER, joke about Padfoot's hair. It is not a laughing matter.

Moony: You're referring to yourself in the third person now, eh, Padfoot?

Padfoot: Very important people tend to do that.


	3. Essence Spells

**M/N:** four identical grins cassie89, phoenixtear19...WE LOVE YOU! 

**A/N:** Jealous of you two, I am. :) Here's chapter three!

**Expert from:** _Harmless Spells and Tricks for the Every-day Prankster_

_Essence Spells: A person's essence is carried on their skin, their fingernails, ect. It can be used for many things, but the most popular is the Essence Spell, used to take charge of the person's body for small amounts of time. The incantation is rimozione essenza and a sharp jab of the wand is necessary for positive results._

**Charms Class**

Padfoot: The every-day prankster? Prongs, how could you think to read this?

Prongs: How else could we legally force Snape to do things for about...five minutes?

Moony: Legal is such a relative term. If my prefect mind recalls correctly...

Padfoot: Which is usually does...

Moony: That book is banned from school. In fact, anything by that author is banned from school. Actually...

Padfoot: Discussion of this author's left eyebrow is banned from school, yeah, Moony, we know.

Prongs: Why else would we be reading it?

Moony: Of course, it makes all the sense in the world that you would be reading a banned book in the middle of class.

Wormtail: I think Flitwick is watching you. You'd better hide it, Padfoot.

Padfoot: I'll just give it back to Prongs. grins evilly

**"Mr. Potter. The book, please."**

**"Oh, this book, Professor?"**

**"Yes, that book."**

**"Umm...why, sir? It's only...for...umm...research."**

**"Hand it over, Mr. Potter."**

**Hallway outside of Transfiguration classroom**

**Later that day**

"At least I remember the spell."

"And got detention from it..."

"Always the optimist, you are, Moony."

**Potions Class**

**The Next Day**

Prongs: Just a sharp jab and...

Padfoot: Evans is watching you, Prongs.

Prongs: WHAT?

Wormtail: She's looking suspicious.

Moony: You better not let her see you.

Padfoot: There! She's looking away, go!

Prongs: rimozione essenza...there we go...get up on the table...good...

**The entire class stared in amazement as Severus Snape nonchalantly kicked his cauldron off his table and proceeded to dance a strange, jerky type of jig, all the while singing God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs in a loud, off-tune voice. Several minutes and several laughs later he came to his senses and fell of the table, then scrambled to his seat, not knowing what he just did or why the entire class was pointing at him.**

****

**A conversation between James and Lily**

**After Potions**

**"Potter!"**

**"Yes, Evans?"**

**"You did that, didn't you? Why can't you just get over yourself and leave the kid alone?"**

**"But Snivellus just begs to be pranked! He practically asked me to!"**

**"Right. Just shove off, Potter."**

**"Wasn't she the one who was attacking me...?"**


	4. The List

**M/N:** miss mcGonagle...awesome review! We bow to your greatness. 

**A/N:** PEOPLE SHARE MY SENSE OF HUMOR! **_faints_**

**Divination**

_James Potter's List of Full-Proof Ways to Win Over Lily Evans_

1. Mess hair up often (Girls LOVE it)  
2. Impress with amazing wit (yeah, amazing)  
3. Act cool, calm, collected (basically like I am all the time)  
4. Keep asking (700th times a charm)  
5. Keep Padfoot away from her

Prongs: PADFOOT! Quit commenting on my list.

Padfoot: If you had left the last one off I might have. **_sniffs_** that hurts, Prongs. It really does.

Moony: ...you need to give up, mate. She's not going out with you, or not with that list she's not.

Prongs: What's wrong with the List?

Moony: You capitilized list?

Prongs:...yes...

Moony: God help us.

**Transfiguration Class **

**The Next Day**

Wormtail: Prongs, why don't you pass Lily a note? Maybe she'd appreciate it if you harassed her on paper rather then in the hallway.

Prongs: Brilliant, Wormtail!

Moony: Wait! You can't pass Lily a note in class...she'll kill-

Padfoot: Too late.

Moony: Oh, look...she's reading it...

Padfoot: winces she looks angry

Moony: She's raising her wand!

Padfoot: Run, Prongs, Run!

Wormtail: Is that smoke coming out of her ears?

Moony: Fire's erupting from her wand...wow, that girl is good at charms...now the note is a pile of ashes on her desk...poor Prongs.

Padfoot: It's your turn to comfort his shrunken ego, Wormtail.

Wormtail: ...you're joking...

Padfoot: Nope.

**A Conversation between Prongs and Wormtail **

**Gryffindor Common Room**

"And...to-to end this, you are a wonderful person...and-and Lily does not deserve you. And you have wonderful hair"  
"Thanks, Peter"  
"Oh, and you shouldn't...you shouldn't set your standards so low"  
"What? Are you insulting Lily? How dare you! I'll..I'll..."


	5. Sugar and Plants

**M/N:** Will Prongs and Lily ever admit their love for each other? Will the List be reborn? Will we survive our seventh year? The world may never know. Shut up and stop being dramatic, Padfoot. But it makes thing more interesting! 

**A/N:** It's 9:36 AM, I have a week till school starts, and I seriously need some sugar! All ingrediants for a semi-okay chapter, I hope at lea-...ha! Mom just gave me sugar! All is right with the world!

**Herbology**

**The day before Christmas Break**

Padfoot: That plant just winked at me...

Prongs: Embrace its love, Padfoot. Embrace it.

Padfoot: AGH! It did it again!

Moony: Well, mine just tried to eat me, so you got off lucky. At least yours likes you.

Padfoot: Did it just move closer! Keep it away from me, Moony, keep it away!

Wormtail: How can you deny true love?

Moony: Look, it's nuzzling you, Padfoot! How sweet.

Prongs: I think it wants to come back up to the dorm with you, Pads...

Padfoot: O.o...you're sick! The lot of you!

Prongs: It's from spending too much time with you.

Padfoot: Well, at least I have something that loves me! Lily still won't give you a second glance.

Prongs: Ouch. I'm afraid I'm not jealous of a plant, though.

Padfoot: well...umm...maybe you should be.

Moony: ...what?

Wormtail: It's true!

Moony: When's the wedding, Padfoot?

**The next day**

**Conversation between Prongs and Padfoot **

**The 7th Year Dorm**

"Glad you'll be staying at school this year, mate. Too bad we couldn't convince Moony and Wormtail to do that same. Think of all the chaos we could cause with the four of us together and no classes"  
"Moony doesn't like not having classes. I think it gives him withdrawals, honestly, Padfoot"  
"He's an odd one, he is"  
"The library does that to you, I hear"  
"What's a library"  
**(enter Moony)**  
"I surprised you can pronounce library, Padfoot"  
"Moony! Fabulous to see you old friend"  
"Simply marvelous, I'm sure"  
"Was that sarcasm"  
"Not at all."

**7th Year Dorm **

**Christmas Morning**

"Presents, presents, presents"  
"You're 17, Padfoot, you'd think you'd be used to them by now"  
"...siriusly"  
"AND THAT JOKE'S GETTING OLD!"  
"It never get old...look! Chocolate frogs! A basket full of chocolate frogs! I love Moony"  
"Well, I hate him. No one should ever give you that much sugar. Ever"  
"Oh, I love chocolate. I love it, love it, love it! It's just the perfect amount of everything good. If there was a girl made of chocolate, it would be heaven"  
"I don't think a girl made of chocolate would be very interesting...she'd melt, for one thing"  
"Yeah, but when you got bored with her, you could eat her"  
"You're far too excited about that chauvanistic remark, my friend"  
"Yeah, well...blame it on Moony. He gave me the sugar.."


	6. Of Hugs and Pink Hair

**M/N:** Due to the abscense of Messrs. Moony and Wormtail, the remaining Marauders will refrain from any pranking or mischief. Or...try anyway. 

**A/N:** Try...yeah, right. GAH! School starts August 22! must...write..quickly..

**Christmas Dinner**

**Gryffindor Table**

"Look! Prongs, Snivellus didn't go home!" "His family probably didn't want him back"  
"He's just sitting there"  
"Padfoot, your hand is twitching...calm down"  
"Oh, but look at him! This is better then Potions"  
"But there are very few people in here, Dumbledore and the rest of the staff don't trust you in the least bit, and he's close enough to curse you back without getting noticed. Whatever you're planning on doing is bound to get you noticed, though"  
"What, is Moony channeling through you or something"  
"Hmph"  
"He,he...watch this"  
"That shade of pink does offset his skin, though. And the grease in his hair is far less noticable"  
"How many times have we done that...oh, it just never gets old...look, he hasn't noticed! If nobody mentions it, it'll stay like that for the rest of the night. I doubt the Slytherins own mirrors...oh, this really makes my day"  
"You just broke a Marauder Code of Conduct. For shame, Padfoot. For shame"  
"The situation was dire"  
"That's true. Look...McGonagoll is laughing..and pointing..umm...Padfoot"  
"Slughorn doesn't look happy"  
"My thoughts exactly? Shall we take our leave"  
"After you, my friend"  
"To the bathroom!"

**Boy's Bathroom **

**10 Minutes Later**

"My hair's pink"  
"_NO_"  
"McGonagoll...how could she? She-she was enjoying it...traitor. I refuse to refer to her as Professor anymore"  
"She wouldn't take well to you her calling her 'Minnie', Padfoot. I believe you already learned that"  
"Oh yeah. First year was great, wasn't it?

**End of Holidays **

**Courtyard**

"Moony"  
"Get off me, Padfoot! Get...off"  
"Moony"  
"Not you, too, Prongs"  
"We missed you"  
"Sure. You turned Snape's hair pink, didn't you"  
"How did you know"  
"Looks on your faces...oh, and your hair's pink"  
"McGonagoll..."


	7. Padfoot the Pirate

**M/N:** The fair damsel Narxiel has offered her help to rid myself of aforementioned treacherous green foe! All hail thee! Padfoot, just adding 'thee' doesn't make you sound impressive. Of course it does, Prongs...of course it does. 

**A/N:** Narxiel, you can have Sirius if I can have Remus! Thanks for all the reviews, guys! School countdown: 2 days of freedom..

**Week after Christmas Break **

**Charms Class**

Moony: Padfoot, what's wrong with you? You look like someone killed your pet dog.

Padfoot: Moony, I can become a dog, so why would I keep one as a pet? And...if you must know...I just ran out of chocolate frogs at breakfast.

Prongs: There is a God! THANK YOU!

Wormtail:You ate chocolate frogs for breakfast? Why didn't you share!

Moony: Because he's Padfoot. And sugar makes him forget the surrounding world.

Padfoot:sniff: can we talk about something else, please?

Prongs: Sure...so what d'you wanna talk about?

Wormtail: I dunno. What d'you wanna talk about?

Padfoot: I dunno...Moony? What d'you wanna talk about?

Moony: BREAK THE VICIOUS CYCLE!

Prongs: I think Moony just yelled at us!

Padfoot: Moony can yell? But he's always so quiet...

Moony: Not when it comes to this I'm not. Do you want me to give you a book for Christmas instead of chocolate next year? DO YOU, PADFOOT?

Prongs: Yes! Yes! For the sake of my sanity, and probably the rest of the school's, YES!

Padfoot: nnnnoooo...

Moony: Good. Now let's pay attention before Flitwick catches on again.

Padfoot:...

Padfoot: Do you ever wonder what Flitwick is, anyway?

Moony: Padfoot.

Padfoot: No, really! He can't be fully human...I mean, look at him..he's three feet tall and his voice sounds like how I always imagined a pixie's...

Prongs:...because you often imagine what a pixie sounds like...

Padfoot: ...maybe...

Moony:tries to ignore idiotic rambling:

Padfoot: Moony! You know it's impossible to ignore us.

Prongs: Wormtail is.

Padfoot: That's because he's asleep!

Prongs: So?

**2 weeks later **

**Potions Class**

Padfoot: Did you ever want to be a pirate?

Moony: ...what?

Padfoot: A pirate. Y'know, a swashbuckler...a rogue...

Moony: Don't you think being a Marauder is enough?

Prongs: Nothing is enough for Padfoot.

Padfoot: I mean, pirate get swords...and cool ships...and treasure...and talking parrots...OOH! and eyepatches!

Prongs: I can give you reason to get an eyepatch, if you want.

Padfoot: Such violence.

Prongs: argh

Padfoot: There's the spirit!

**2 days later **

**Great Hall **

**Breakfast**

"Black, is that a pirate costume?"  
"It's not a costume, professor!"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Look, I've got a parrot, too!"  
"That's Pettigrew's owl."  
"No it's not!"  
"Yes it is! Give me back my owl, Sirius!"  
"IT'S A PARROT! ARGH! A PARROT, I TELL YOU!"

**A/N:** Yes, you get two this time! This one's to tell you that Padfoot the Pirate up there was inspired by Marauding Mayhem. A website...that I cannot remember the address to...I'll work on it..


	8. I wanna hold your hand

**M/N:** Charmed has been frightening me lately...all those random outbursts about the utter lack of manners in her school and something about Rainer Maria Rilke. Moony, I don't think you're supposed to be able to understand her.Yeah, I mean, she reads narrative verse. For fun. She should be used to frightening people.

**A/N:** Yep, that was for my benefit. I was bored, don't blame me. And now, several painful hours and brownies eaten (the chocolate kind, not the Girl Scout) later, my muse came back to me and Chapter 8 is up. have fun...(by the way, no offense to Hufflepuff fans..I'm diehard Gryffindor)

**Hour Before Hufflepuff vs. Gryffindor Quidditch Match**

**Herbology**

Prongs: We're going to lose.

Padfoot: They're Hufflepuffs.

Prongs: We're going to lose.

Padfoot: THEY ARE HUFFLEPUFFS! Do you never listen to the Sorting Hat? We'll win.

Prongs: Why would I listen to a ragged old hat? WHY?

Moony: Because it's smarter then you are.

Padfoot: EXACTLY!

Prongs: Well, then I can see I'm not wanted here...I'll just go wallow in the fact that we're going to-

Padfoot: Don't say it!

Wormtail: Prongs does this before every Quidditch game, Padfoot. It gets him in the mood.

Padfoot:...

Moony: Don't say anything, Padfoot. Let him figure out how wrong that sounded himself.

Wormtail: ...

Padfoot: Please, please, please let me say something!

Wormtail: no, no, no, no, no...that's not what I meant!

Padfoot: ...oh, so many things I could say...I simply cannot choose...This is really what makes me complete...

Prongs: I agree with Wormtail, though.

Moony: I thought you left to wallow.

Padfoot: and you actually agree that wallowing gets you-

Moony: Bad, Padfoot! BAD.

Prongs: As I was SAYING, wallowing in self-pity and doubt is the way I prepare for Quidditch. So let it be.

Padfoot:...when I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me...

Moony: Let's not sing assorted Beatles hits now, Padfoot.

Padfoot: Not even Bungalow Bill? aww, come on Moony old-buddy-old-pal...you know you want to.

Moony: How about tonight at Gryffindor Tower? You can serenade Lily, Prongs.

Prongs: ooh, ooh! I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAAAAAAANNNNNDDDDDDD!

Moony: Right.

Padfoot: I think you wanna do more then that, Prongs...

Prongs:**blushes**

**Gryffindor Tower**

**After Quidditch Game**

**A Conversation Between Prongs and Lily**

"Potter, if you even sing one more note then I'll hex you back to the first year!"

"But...but I didn't even get to the chorus!"

"I-don't-care."

"Come on, Evans!"

"I warned you..."

"GAH!"

**Hospital Wing**

**Later that Night**

**A Conversation Between the Marauders**

"I think she overreacted a bit..."

"A bit, Padfoot! I'll never recover."

"She just bruised your already oversized ego."

"She popped it, Moony. She didn't bruise my ego, she popped it!"

"Can you pop an ego?"

"The mind boggles."

**A/N:** more authors-notey-goodness...sorry it's short, but it's all I got and I've had Bungalow Bill stuck in my head for the past week.


	9. Lils and Ickle Jamiekins

**M/N:** Ah, also-Beatles-obsessed-lovely-perfect-reviewer...or...err **_runs to look at reviews_** yes, Vilya0. Not that we don't call you by your name...that was Charmed over there with the Beatles-obsessed-lovely stuff. 

**A/N:** ...So I can't remember names. Thank you for the review, Vilya0. HA! Ha, Padfoot, _HA_! (oh, and MinervaEvenstar...I'll fight you for Remus)

**Several Months After Hospital Wing Visit **

**Transfiguration Class**

"Miss Evans! Mr. Potter! You're late."  
"Sorry, Professor. We...got lost."  
"Yes, I dropped my books, then James was..err...helping me pick them up and then we accidentally got on one of those bloody moving staircases..."  
"That's enough. Takes your seats, and five points from Gryffindor."

**Five Minutes Later**

Padfoot: Tell us what really happened or we'll reveal to all your secret love for McGonagoll!

Prongs: ...Of that I am scared...

Moony: We can see the electricity between you two, though.

Wormtail: It's highly visible.

Prongs: Anyway...

Moony: You look happy.

Prongs: Oh, I am.

Padfoot: WHY?

Prongs: Guess.

Padfoot:...oh, hmm...it started raining Every Flavored Beans while you were walking down the hallway!

Moony: Your dream, I assume, Padfoot.

Padfoot: Yes. Wanna make something of it?

Moony: I wouldn't dream of it.

Prongs: Ok, attention back to me, please! GUESS!

Wormtail:...

Moony:...

Padfoot:...

Prongs: OK, Ok, I'll tell you! You don't have to force it out of me.

Wormtail: How did we force it out of you?

Prongs: With your silence. Now shut up, Wormtail and let me speak. I, James Potter, has officially won the heart of one Lily Evans with my charm and dashing good looks which she somehow managed to overlook all these long and hear-breaking years-PADFOOT! Why are you laughing?

Padfoot: ...you mean you're not joking?

Prongs: Of course I'm not joking! Why else would we be late together?

Moony: Oh, lord. The apocalypse has come.

Wormtail: Hell has frozen over.

Padfoot: Is that a flying pig?

Prongs: No, you're just looking in a mirror.

Padfoot: Very cheap shot, Prongsie-old-boy. You're slipping.

Prongs: Well, love does that to you.

**Two Weeks Later **

**Quidditch Stand after Game **

**Conversation between Moony and Padfoot**

"I just lost my best friend."  
"You didn't_ lose_ him."  
"Look! Look at them on the field! He's eating her face!"  
"They love each other."  
"They've been going out for two weeks!"  
"It's Prongs. He loved her since he saw her."  
"_Supposedly_...Moony, you must now take his place as best friend. If you are unable too, then Wormtail will be appointed to your duties."  
"I don't think I can handle the pressure, Padfoot."  
"Of course you can."  
"No, no, really...let Wormtail do it. He'll be much better at it, let me assure you."  
"You're trying to get out of it!"  
"No, it's for your sake, really!"


	10. Letters

M/N: She's not going to be a Marauder, Prongs. Why is that, Padfoot? Because she's a _girl_. And you sound like a 5-year-old. Shut up, Moony, do you really want to catch cooties? 'Cooties' are a figment of your imagination, that must be fleas you're talking about. You gave them to me, wolfie.

A/N: It seems like it's been awhile since I've updated...but I don't know. School's been _eeevvviiiiillllll_. And I've got to have my picture taken tomorrow. I hate pictures. Here's Chapter 10, though, for your enjoyment and to take my mind off my impending _doom_.

**A Few Weeks Later**

**Last Transfiguration Class of the Year**

Padfoot: Looks like old Minnie's tearing up...can't bear to see us leave, no doubt.

Moony: Or could those be tears of joy?

Padfoot: Joy, bah! She's having a fit of emotional turmoil over never seeing _my_ smiling face again.

Moony: Right.

Prongs: Lily's eyes are so green...I wonder if my son will have eyes like that...

Padfoot: You're going to be a mother, Prongs? I thought your Quidditch robes were looking a bit too tight...

Prongs: Har, har.

Moony: Have you told Lily about this son?

Prongs: THERE IS NO SON! I was just day-dreaming...God, you're attacking me for letting my thoughts wander...

Wormtail: You shouldn't do that, now...

Moony: We know from experience your mind is an incredibly frightening place.

Prongs: Coming from the kid that turns into a wolf every month.

Moony: I _told_ you not to write that down!

Padfoot: Calmly, my dear Moony. We told you before, it's a _metaphor_.

_To: Messr. Moony _

_From: Padfoot_

Dear Moony,

It feels so exhilarating to come to my own home instead of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black...I mean, you can tell my ancestors are gits just from the name. How've you been in your first week away from school? Hidden in a dark corner of a library, somewhere, I'm sure. Please don't breath in too much dust and die on us, Moony. That'd be _perfectly_ dreadful.

Sincerely,

Padfoot on a freedom high

_From: Moony_

_To: Messr. Padfoot_

Dear Padfoot,

It would be "perfectly dreadful" if you fell of that motorcycle of yours into some vast unknown body of water, but I know you're doing that anyway. Stop pretending to be stunned. Your mockery is wasted on someone who can't see you. No, I do not have the inner eye. If I do, you poked it out long, long ago.

How many times did it take you to give up and look in the dictionary (gasp) to spell exhilarating? 5 syllables, Pads. That's impressive.

Yours Truly,

A very educated Moony

_From: Prongs_

_To: Messr. Padfoot _

Padfoot,

My mum is now crying because you're alone in the big, scary world. She just threatened that if you didn't accept this invitation to come over, that she would track you down, break your motorcycle, tie you up and drag you here. She's scaring me, Padfoot. Please help.

Your friend in need,

Messr. Prongs

_From: Padfoot _

_To: Messr. Prongs_

Poor, poor Prongs,

I haven't eaten anything except for Every-flavored Beans and a questionable looking breath mint for days. You don't have to ask twice.

Currently drooling over the thought of food,

A happy, happy Padfoot


	11. Suspicious Drinks and Wedding Bells

M/N: I like this chapter. We know, Prongs. I really, really like this chapter. WE KNOW.

A/N: You'll understand in about three seconds.

_To: Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot_

_From: Prongs _

My fellow Marauders,

I, James Potter III, esq. am proud to announce that one Lily Evans has accepted his offer of marriage. We're getting married! Married! Ha, Ha, PADFOOT! She didn't just go out with me because she felt sorry for me! HA! Take that!

Signed,

The Luckiest Man on the Face of This Earth (yes, me, Padfoot)

_

* * *

__From: Wormtail_

_To: Messr. Prongs_

Dear Prongs,

Congratulations!

Sincerely,

Wormtail

_

* * *

_

_From: Prongs_

_To: Messr. Wormtail_

Never one for long emotional letters, were you, pal?

Thank you anyway,

Prongs

_

* * *

From: Moony_

_To: Messr. Prongs_

Congratulations,

But are you sure Lily was being serious? No offense, but you're 18. Also, the third, _esq._ ? A little over the top...

Sincerely,

A slightly confused Moony

_

* * *

From: Prongs_

_To: Messr. Moony_

Dear Moony,

She is madly in love with me. Of course she was being serious. And an engagement is a perfectly good time to act over the top!

Sincerely,

A slightly offended Prongs

_

* * *

_

_From: Padfoot_

_To: Messr. Prongs_

Prongs,

What did you give Evans to make her do this? Money, power? Are you the heir to some large fortune that we didn't know about? If not...you didn't put something in her drink, did you, Prongs? That's illegal, you know.

Your friend,

Padfoot

_

* * *

__From: Lily_

_To: Sirius_

Black, you git,

You should know I check suspicious drinks before I actually drink them. I'm not an idiot like you.

Hardly your friend,

Lily

_

* * *

From: Padfoot_

_To: Messr. Prongs_

Dear Prongs,

Your fiancee has a temper. I sympathize with you for at time it rivals my mother's.

Sincerely, (not_very_sincerely),

A disgusted and hurt Padfoot


	12. Padfoot the Great

M/N: 30 reviews away from 100. he,he,he...with this power we shall take over the world! D

And all your local libraries! Shut up, Moony. Think smaller, Padfoot.

A/N: 100 reviews. That sounds lovely...

**From the Journal of the Esteemed Sirius Black **

_Do not read or you'll be attacked by various Cornish pixies with a grudge. _

-Padfoot the _GRIM_

Today my best friend and partner in crime, magical mischief maker no more, gave himself up to the dark side. No, not that git Voldemort. No, not even the Slytherins. He went and got himself...I can barely bear to write it..._engaged. _To _Evans_. Yes, you heard right, EVANS. The same one that put us all in the Hospital Wing more then once, even Moony. The same one that charmed our bags to split every five seconds. The same one that CUT MY HAIR OFF in first year. I had to have professional counseling after that...

And now, Moony is visiting some obscure relatives in France and Wormtail is getting a job_...and I'm all alone_. It's just and me now, journal...manly, manly journal that could never be mistaken for a diary...

-Padfoot

_

* * *

__From: Moony_

_To: Messr. Padfoot_

Dear Padfoot,

Are you dreadfully lonely without us? I would have invited you to come with me, but I'm afraid you might frighten the French. Please don't mourn me for long, I'll be back soon. No, I'm not kissing any girls for you. No, I will not hand out autographed photos (I know you have them). Just don't spend your whole day crying with chocolate in one hand and your diary in the other.

_GET A JOB, PADFOOT. _

You can't live off your inheritance for long.

All in your best interests,

A well-relaxed Moony

_

* * *

__From: Padfoot_

_To: Messr. Moony_

Hmph,

and yes 'hmph' is a proper greeting, Mr. I-can-spell-big-words-without-breaking-a-sweat. No, I'm not lonely. I am perfectly fine here. All alone. In the dark (and the cold.)

What photos are you talking about? I thought I hid those...

I also thought you would like to be kissed by some of those French girls (that's in _your_ best interest, my friend. I've heard things).

AND IT'S A JOURNAL..._JOURNAL, _MOONY!

hmph again,

Padfoot

**

* * *

****From the Journal of the Dashingly Handsome Sirius Black **

_Drop the book or suffer the well-thought out and highly painful consequences. _

-Padfoot the Great

No one understands me.

Moony is evil.

I lost my chocolate bar.

I need a job.

And a life.

Kill me now.

Please.

- Padfoot

* * *

** St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries**

_Name:_ Sirius Black...the third. Otherwise known as the most brilliant mind ever to grace the face of this earth.

_Age:_ ...26...unless you ask someone else, but they are all insane. I'm the only sane one, y'know...it's all me...

_Qualifications: _Many, many visits to the Hospital Wing. Several broken bones.

_Why are you interested in joining our staff: _err...the cash?


	13. Peanuts

**M/N: **duh,duh, duh, duh...here's come the bride...duh, duh, duh, duh...Prongs, must I kill you? I hope you musn't, Padfoot. Can I help? Moony! I'm sorry, but you've gotten that blasted song stuck in my head...

**A/N: **I've got it stuck in my head, too...umm, JohnMayer1207? Sirius was exaggerating when he said he was 26. He's really only 18, I guess, same as Prongs. I don't know at what age Lily got married to him, though. Also, I realized that messr. is not a word, so from now on I'll use Mr instead of that. Messrs. is a word, though. Thank you all for the reviews! They are like a drug, I swear...

**A Conversation between Moony and Padfoot**

**Day after Moony arrived home from France**

"Guess what, Moony? Guess what, guess what, guess what?"

"I don't know, _what_?"

"You have to gggguuuueeeesssssssss..."

"We've already been through this with Prongs, you know. I'm just going to assume it has to do with showers of Every-Flavored Beans..."

"Nope."

"Chocolate frogs?"

"Nope."

"Ice mice?"

"No sugar."

"That's a first."

"Yep, now guess."

"No."

"I got a job."

"Good for you, Padfoot."

"That's all? _Good for you?_ You can't think of anything better then that? I'm ashamed, Moony."

"It's all I have, now who in their right mind hired you?"

"The ministry. Wait, why are you laughing-"

"You're...you're...a ministry man..."

"What's so horrible about that?"

"I...I can't speak..."

"Moony!"

"Need...air..."

**A conversation between Padfoot and his new boss**

**The Department of Magical Games and Sports**

"Well, Mr. Black, it says here you don't have any previous experiance...you were the only applicant for the job, though..."

"Oh, please, call me Sirius."

"Serious?"

"Yes, I'm Sirius."

"What's your name?"

"S-i-r-i-u-s."

"Oh, like the _star_."

"Yes, I'm quite star-like, thank you for noticing. Now what do I actually _do_ in this job?"

"You don't know? You'll be cleaning the Quidditch stadium!"

"Oh."

**An argument between Padfoot and a disgruntled Quidditch fan**

**Half-way into the game**

"Give me some peanuts!"

"I don't sell peanuts. I _clean_. That's my _job_."

"All I want are some peanuts!"

"WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANY!"

"...can you get me some?"

"NO!"

_

* * *

_

_From: Padfoot_

_To: Mr. Moony_

Dear Moony,

I got that job thing you mentioned. Then I got fired. I hate my life.

Please help me,

Padfoot

_

* * *

_

_From: Moony_

_To: Mr. Padfoot_

Dear Padfoot,

How did you get fired? You've been working TWO DAYS.

Sincerely,

Moony (slightly disappointed)

_

* * *

__From: Padfoot_

_To: Mr. Moony_

Moony,

I...well...attempted-to-beat-a-spectator-with-my-broom...sort of...

I'm not ashamed of myself,

Padfoot (who's still great)

**_

* * *

You are cordially invited..._**

_**To the wedding of James Potter and Lily Evans**_

_**Please come to the address below on August 6th **_

_**Presents are welcome**_

_**James!**_

_**What, Lil? I like presents!**_

_**STOP WRITING ON THE INVITATION**_

_**We'll just send this one to Sirius.**_

_**Ok, but this is the LAST ONE**_

_**I love you, Lily...**_

_**I know...**_


	14. Too Much Butterbeer before the Wedding

**M/N: **I wish she wouldn't take so long to write the wedding! Calm down, Prongs. No, no, no, _no_...I want to do it now...

**A/N: **JohnMayer1207, if I offended you then I apologize. I honestly didn't mean to and I really, really appreciate your reviews...and now you get the wedding. This had to be one of the most fun to write, in my opinion.

**A conversation between the Marauders**

**The night before the wedding**

"Who would've thought Prongs would be the first of us to tie the knot?"

"I'm just surprised Lily hasn't killed him already..."

"You're so supportive of me, Moony."

"That's what I'm here for."

"Wormtail?"

"Yeah, Padfoot?"

"_What_ are you doing?"

"Umm...a crossword puzzle."

"And Moony is reading...and Prongs looks like he is about to pass out...what kind of bachelor party is this?"

"A safe and moral one?"

"Be quiet, Moony. Prongsie my boy, don't you want to do something to live out the last precious hours of your freedom? Something wild, something exciting..."

"Something stupid, no doubt."

"Didn't I tell you to be quiet?"

"If I do anything illegal or unethical in any way...Lily will find out...and, well, you've seen her when she's angry..."

"Does anyone know a seven letter word for 'beaten'?"

"_Whipped_."

"Stop staring pointedly at me, Padfoot, or I'll sic Lily on you."

"Like you could make her do anything."

**That Morning**

"Too much butterbeer...too-much-butterbeer..."

"Prongs, you are the only human being on the face of this earth that can get drunk from that stuff."

"I can't help it, Moony!"

"Deep breaths, deep breaths...you're the one that _proposed_ to marry her. You can't back out now."

"I don't want to back out! I just...I just...in the name of all things holy, I feel awful."

"Maybe this will help."

"PADFOOT!"

"What?"

"YOU-JUST-you-you-YOU JUST THREW WATER ON ME!"

"...I thought it would help."

"And now you're grinning."

"So's Wormtail."

"And Moony!"

"Actually, I'm just laughing. Completely different then grinning..."

"Now I have to dry off, too! Wait-where's my suit?"

"Here."

"My tie?"

"Here."

"Oh dear God, my glasses! My glasses are gone! I'm blind!"

"Err, Prongs?"

"WHAT, PADFOOT?"

"They're on your head, mate."

"...oh..."

**During the Wedding**

_Remus looked up to see a scrap of paper floating near his ear, and reached out to grab it, shaking his head and glaring at Sirius. _

Padfoot: This is so sentimental...I don't think I can stand it, Moony.

Moony: Please, for my sake, withhold your tears.

Padfoot: You'll start to cry if I do, right?

Moony: umm...sure.

Padfoot: Will you marry me, Moony?

Moony: What the-

Prongs: STOP WRITING NOTES! WE AREN'T IN SCHOOL ANYMORE!

Padfoot: Will you, Moony, dearest?

Moony: Pads, this is so sudden...

Padfoot: And?

Moony: No.

Padfoot: You've struck me in the heart! I'm dying...dying..._on the inside. _

Moony: Hey, look, Lily's coming. She looks nice, doesn't she?

Padfoot: **_pouts_** I would, too.

Moony: Shut up and stop sending me notes. She's almost up the aisle.

_Lily stood, hands shaking, skin pale beneath the white of her dress. She smiled beneath her veil. James was as nervous as she was...you could see the sweat on his face. She took the last few steps, let go of her father's arm and went to him. She felt as his hands laced in hers, slick and warm. He smiled, a flash of white teeth. It was all going to work out. She heard a noise and turned slightly to see Sirius in the corner, nonchalantly wiping his eyes. Remus stood next to him, a smile on his face and laughter in his eyes as he looked at Sirius._

_She heard the minister talking, but didn't quite understand it. The world around her was a blur of colour. Then...she heard the words as they came from his mouth softly._

_"I do."_

_She swallowed hard. In just a few seconds she would have to say the same...the time came quicker then she thought...she blinked, then murmured, _

_"I do."_

_Sirius grabbed Remus and embraced him as the newlyweds kissed. Remus laughed and pushed him away, the flower falling out of his jacket and to the floor, getting trampled beneath the crowd as they surged to their feet, cheering and yelling as James ran with her down the aisle._


	15. Honeymooooonnnnnn

M/N: Honeymooooooooonnnnnnnnn! Prongs? Yes? Umm...never mind. Yeah, I'm goin' on my honeymooooooonnnnnnnn!

A/N: Dumbledore stole it from Padfoot!_ I swear_!

**The wedding party**

**Padfoot's speech**

"Friends, family, strangers off the street, obscure acquaintances. We gather here today to mourn the loss of a great man. One known for his mischief, one adored-what, Evans? Fine. We're here to _celebrate _the marriage of this _lovely_ couple who _never_ lose their tempers. Especially the _ravishing _bride. No, Evans, that was not sarcasm. You have greatly offended me. I demand an apology. Come on. Now. I'm not getting off this stage until you do. We could be here for _days_. Don't threaten me, Prongs, it's a matter of principle. There. Thank you, Evans. Was that so hard? I don't care if your last name is Potter now, you'll always be Evans to me. Err...to conclude this fabulous speech I would like to say these words: Nitwit, blubber, oddment, and tweak! Thank you! Thank you! This is too much...really..._hey_! Hey, Moony, let go of me! Help! Assault! Abuse!

**The first dance**

**Conversation between Padfoot and Moony **

"They look so happy. And we're here. Alone, dateless, danceless..."

"I'm not dancing with you, Padfoot."

"I wasn't asking, Moony. I've seen you dance."

"Why don't you use that 'Black charm' you're always going on about?"

"Because the only girls here are Prongs' great aunts or his nieces. Or his mom. Or Evans' sister...and I'd much rather dance with Prongs' mom then her."

"She does look a bit...perturbed."

"Nice word."

"Thank you."

_

* * *

__From: Prongs and Lily_

_To: Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot_

Dear...people,

We're on our honeymoon. Without you. And we're too cheap to buy more then one postcard.

Sincerely,

Mr. and Mrs. Potter

**

* * *

**

**Conversation between the remaining Marauders**

**The Three Broomsticks**

"So, just three bachelors out for a night on the town..."

"Yep."

"...what do bachelors do? What does 'on the town' really mean?"

"I don't know, Wormtail."

"Bachelors like you two cry into a large cup of butterbeer...now bachelors like me..."

"You go for the firewhiskey, right, Padfoot?"

"Of course. Speaking of such...oh, Rosie?"

"I told you a thousand times, Sirius, it's _Rosmerta._ Hello, Remus, Peter. Where's James? I don't think I've ever seen any of you apart."

"He's on his honeymoon..."

"You sound disgusted, Sirius."

"With _Evans._"

"Lily? Wow. He must have really changed to get her to marry him. Deflate his ego a bit?"

"A bit more then a bit."

"Is that sentence grammatically correct, _Moony_?"

"Probably not, but aren't I supposed to be drowning my sorrows in butterbeer? I can't be held responsible for my actions."

"Three butterbeers, then?"

"Hey, wait I want fire-"

"Too late, Pads. She knows what happens to you when you drink that stuff."

"What, Wormtail?"

"Oh, last time you turned into your animagus form and chased the Minister down the street. Wasn't a pretty sight, let me tell you."

"Oh, yeah...that's why I had that funny taste in my mouth...it was essence of _Minister_...eww.."

**Padfoot's Job Search Part 2.5**

**Ministy Survey for finding the job best suited for you**

_What are my talents...talents...well, my amazing good looks, of course...that must be a talent. It's not easy being this beautiful..._

_Next...umm...if you were standing in the woods and saw a rather oddly shaped pinecone would you: **a**. kick it out of the way or **b**. exclaim loudly and take it home to show all your friends. Oh, well, b, of course. Can't let Moony miss out on those pinecones. _

_Would you rather: **a. **jump off a bridge or **b. **off a bird. WHAT? A bird? How do you jump off a bird? I go with bBecause I'm non-comformist and would never, ever jump off a bridge. Because every one does that. _

_If you were a grape in the sun would you rather: **a. **become a raisin or **b. **crawl to the sanctity of the shadows and stay a grape for another day. Raisins are disgusting. I would be a brave little grape and strive for another day of marvelous grapedom. _

_If you were a tissue in a mighty, mighty river you would choose to: **a. **absorb it all because you're extra-absorbant or **b. **help a lonely crocodile with a cold. You know how much I like to help people and crocodiles are...nice, I guess... _

_If you were a chicken in a tree in the midst of a windy, windy storm what would you say: **a. **"Where's the bloody road, Beethoven?" or **b. **"How did I get in this tree anyway in the midst of this windy, windy storm?" Wow, these ministry people are very random. I like it. I would choose a in all manners of the letter. _

**A/N: **Thanks to my brother who chooses to be known only as Augustus Is'Mail Toplady. He thought up all the questions except for the pinecone one.


	16. The New Minister

**M/N: **Everyone loves me . It's only because I'm taken, Padfoot. Yeah, and I've had a few admirers! But I've had _more_, Moony, that's all that matters.

**A/N: **You guys all rock...GothHippie13, I understand your tootsie roll dilemma. Happens to me with caffeine free diet coke...which incidentally has no sugar in it. Or caffeine. The food coloring must mess with my head or something...

**6-8 weeks later**

**Letter from the Ministry**

_Dear Mr. Black, _

_We have just gone over your career survey and were very interested in your results. They are enclosed. After you go over them, we would like to set up a meeting with you._

**

* * *

****Padfoot's conversation with himself**

"Sounds important...let's see...hold on. Does that say-MINISTER OF MAGIC! _Cool! _My first leap towards world domination and it's given to me by the _man_. Wait. I have the potential to be the _man_. Aren't I supposed to be sticking it to the _man?_ So confused..."

_

* * *

_

_From: Padfoot_

_To: Mr. Moony_

Dear Insignificant Commoner,

_**GUESS WHAT?**_

Signed, Yours Most Highly,

Padfoot the Great, Order of Merlin, First Class, Minister of Magic

_

* * *

__From: Moony_

_To: Mr. Padfoot_

Padfoot,

So, you got your career test back?

-Moony

**

* * *

****From the Journal of the Minister-to-be**

_Drop it or you're fired_

_-Padfoot the Magnificent_

Moony underestimates my power...I will rule the world...I will, I will, I will...

-Padfoot (king of short yet climatic journal entries)

**Padfoot's List of Things to Change the World**

_No more spandex. For the love of God, no more spandex!_

_Save the ducks. Duck Hunt is a cruel, cruel game..._

_Instigate 'Hug your Local Deatheater Day' throughout Britain. Really, love is the most powerful weapon of all. _

_Arrest Snape for high treason against the Minister. _

_Exile him to a remote desert island with only a puffskin and a bludger for company. _

_Make Moony High Lord in charge of all things 'bookish'_

_Make Prongs Emperor of Quidditch_

_Make Wormtail Ruler of Pudding_

_Give Evans her own Padfoot punching bag. Once I'm Minister, I'll be able to afford it...and save myself the pain. _

**Conversation between Moony and Padfoot**

"Did you like my list, Moony?"

"All things 'bookish'...hmm...well, Wormtail will surely like the pudding part..."

"I thought so."

"The power isn't getting to you, is it, Padfoot?"

"What? Of course not! How dare you-"

"Hey, an owl."

"Get that for me, would you?"

"Yes, _Your Greatness._"

"I didn't think you were actually going to call me that! I love this job..."

"You aren't Minister yet...and...oh, you're never going to be. Listen to this: 'Mr. Black, we regret to inform you that we made a mistake on your career survery. We will not be needing a meeting with you. Your real results are enclosed. We're sorry for the trouble.'"

"Nooooo..."

"Hold on...oh, Merlin, Padfoot...look at this!"

"What's my destiny now, Moony?"

"...Janitor..."

"I already tried that! Why? WHY DO THE FATES TORTURE ME SO?"

"...s-s-sorry."

"Stop laughing. It's not funny."

"Yes...yes, it is, I'm afraid."


	17. Halloween Night

**M/N: **We passed 100 reviews and didn't even recognize it? Shame on us. Shame. We must now proceed in the traditional group hug-of-forgiveness. Reviewers and all. Padfoot, I believe you like to hug people a bit too much. But _they_ like it...don't they? whimpers

**A/N: **I get far, far too much enjoyment out of writing these things... Eventually, I'm going to get to the whole betrayal part, and that won't exactly match the humor genre. I don't want to stop, though, so I might start doing flashbacks, or maybe even start from their first year and go to their seventh. That might be digging myself in deeper then I should, but I do that a lot, and I never learn. In fact, that's how _It isn't always the end _came to have 20 chapters. The 'stick it to the man' part of last chapter was partially taken from School of Rock, but I thought it was good for Padfoot, too

**Halloween Night **

**A conversation between the Marauders and Lily**

"I can't believe you talked me into this."

"You know you like it, Moony."

"Not really, Prongs, no. Lily doesn't seem to be enjoying herself either..."

"I feel like an idiot."

"You look beautiful, though."

"And you're still sleeping on the couch, _dear_."

"This is all worth it."

"We did have a rather hard time finding costumes...the man at the store actually laughed at us when we asked him!"

"Should I be surprised, Padfoot?"

"I was!"

"What surprised me was the fact you rented me a _wolf costume_. Not very inconspicious, are we? Why don't we just buy space in the Daily Prophet?"

"I thought you would appreciate the gesture, but..."

"People are staring at me..."

"It's the costume, Wormtail...not you."

"How in love of all things holy you found him a rat costume, I don't even want to know."

"We have connections. How else could we get a stag costume, too?"

"It looks like a reindeer costume that you ripped the nose off of."

"Pessimist."

"Realist, my friend."

"I, at least, look dashing and _proud_ in my dog costume."

"And Lily looks exquisite in her angel costume. Which I picked out. And of which new diamonds would look wonderful with?"

"Couch."

"..._fine._"

**Hogwarts Grounds**

**Several hours and doors slammed later**

"I can't believe no one gave us candy. The spirit of Halloween is dead. Dead, I say."

"I got a pamphlet. On Halloween safety. It warns you away from strange adults in costumes. Does that say something to you, Padfoot?"

"No, Moony, it doesn't. I got a...well, I'm not acually sure what it is...maybe a mishapen...potato...?"

"I got a rock."

"You be proud of that rock, Wormtail. Treasure it to your dying day."

"Okay."

"Get anything, Lily?"

"If you don't count the many odd stares, then, no, James, I did not. "

"You can have my rock. If you want it."

"That's very kind of you, Peter, but you can keep it."

"That's good."

"Well, I'm sure McGonagoll will give us something. I know she won't mind us sneaking up to the school in the dead of night. She must miss us so."

"I'm sure she weeps like a child at night."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you, Moony."

"Nor does this costume. Which is wet. And smells of dog."

"Well, I _had_ to try it out first."

**Five Minutes Later**

"Knock, Padfoot."

"You do it, Prongs."

"No one's going to answer. They're all asleep."

"Asleep, Evans? On Halloween night? What kind of person are you? Listen."

"I don't hear anything."

"That's because you aren't listening hard enough. You can hear voices coming from Gryffindor tower."

"Someone carrying on your legacy, no doubt."

"Trying to. They could never take our place."

"Oh, just open the door!"

"Ms. Evans, breaking and entering? You tarnish your prefect's badge."

"I threw that away."

"Moony still has his."  
"Only because you stole it and hid it away in that pile of wreckage you call a flat."

"I couldn't let you so carelessly throw away your childhood. That's disgraceful."

**Outside of McGonagoll's Office**

_knock, knock, knock..._

"She's still asleep..."

"Knock harder, Padfoot!"

_KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK..._

"I've never seen anyone sleep that hard. Unless she's ignoring us..."

_**KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK...**_

"What do you want-Black. Potter. Pettigrew? Lupin? _Evans_? Oh no."

"Trick or treat?"

"What are you talking about, Black?"

"Trick-or-treat."

"Dear God. You're 18, man!"

"Just hand over the candy."

"Will you leave?"  
"...maybe..."

"Fine."

**10 seconds later**

"Here. Chocolate for all of you, now _leave_. I'd better not see any of you out this late on school grounds again, either. Am I understood?"

"Normally you're misunderstood, m'am, but for today-and only today, mind you-you are understood. We grant you that gift."

"I'm eternally grateful."

"She just slammed the door!"

"Let's go eat our candy and due something highly idiotic as caused by our sugar high!"

"Can it be illegal, Padfoot?"

"Sure, Prongs!"

"Let's go!"


	18. Dustbunnies

M/N: In the midst of a world full of death and hate...four men stand out. Coming soon to a theatre near you: The Maruaders! Starring Sirius L. Black as..._himself. _I'm afraid no one is giving you a major motion picture anytime soon, Padfoot. That's what you think, my naive friend. And why aren't _we_ mentioned...it _is _called the Marauders, _isn't it? _Yes...but, I'm the...the...leader. Who decided _that_? Me...

A/N: Good to know you all want more. These chapters are insanely easy to write compared to Lupine. Randomness is a lovely, lovely thing. I think the writer's block is wearing off...must've been the waiting to see what my average was in Algebra. 86.62. Ah, well...low B's are ok.

**Moony's Flat **

**A Conversation between the Marauders**

"This place is too clean."

"It's frightening."

"There's nothing on the floor...nothing on the table...everything's on _shelves_..."

"A foreign concept to the lot of you, I'm sure."

"I thought the floor was a shelf, personally, Moony."

"That's not surprising, Padfoot. I've seen where you live."

"If you're referring to my _lovely_ living quarters..."

"...sty..."

"You can't hide _that_ blatant insult with a mere _cough_, you obsessive-compulsive dust-bunny hater!"

"We have a colony of them at our house. Lily can't clean worth a whit either."

"I don't care for dust-bunnies..."

"Then why are you calling me a dust-bunny hater?"

"I don't _hate_ them. I just don't care for them, Moony. They live beneath my bed and keep me up at night with their talk."

"The dust-bunnies talk to you, Padfoot?"

"No, they talk amongst themselves. Disturbing conversations they have, those little things."

"I don't want to know."

**From the notes of one Remus John Lupin**

_Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really insane or if this is just one big prank that they devised before they met me to pull me over into the depths of absolute insanity like them? Hey, Padfoot! STOP THAT! THIS ISN'T FOR YOU TO READ!_

_Mr. Padfoot says that Mr. Moony over-analyzes things and needs to find a girlfriend._

_Mr. Moony would like to say that Mr. Padfoot STILL DOESN'T HAVE A JOB so he cannot talk._

_Mr. Padfoot is wounded by your remarks. _

_Mr. Prongs and Mr. Wormtail feel left out._

_Mr. Prongs says that Mr. Moony doesn't need a girlfriend. Mr. Moony has Mr. Padfoot._

_Mr. Moony remarks that Mr. Prongs is a sick individual and needs professional help._

_Mr. Padfoot agrees whole-heartedly, but is still wounded._

_Mr. Moony doesn't care._

_Mr. Wormtail would like to add that Mr. Prongs should go back to his wife._

_Mr. Prongs says that she is at work and doesn't like to be interrupted._

_Mr. Moony agrees with Lily and would like to ask Mr. Wormtail, Mr. Prongs, and Mr. Padfoot to leave him to his notes._

_Mr. Padfoot retorts that Mr. Moony sounds as if he is almost forty, not almost nineteen._

_Mr. Moony would like to retort in turn that Mr. Padfoot sounds most days as if he is almost seven, not almost nineteen._

_Mr. Padfoot is wounded for a third time but not again as he so chooses to leave Mr. Moony to his lonesome, forty-year-old, dust bunny murdering self._

_Mr. Moony thanks Mr. Padfoot and glares at the remaining two._

_Mr. Wormtail and Mr. Prongs get the hint. Hmph._

**Padfoot and Prongs' list of what not to do when Lily is around**

Padfoot: Never start humming "Secret Lovers" whenever she talks to a male (or female, for that matter)co-worker.

Prongs: Never suggest a game of Quidditch to solve an argument.

Padfoot: Or poker.

Prongs: Or Twister.

Padfoot: Never kidnap Prongs in the middle of the night for 'Marauder's business' without informing her about it beforehand.

Prongs: Never joke about the color of her hair.

Padfoot: Or write epic sonnets to her eyes.

Prongs: Oh, or limericks.

Padfoot: he,he,he...

Prongs: You're getting off subject now, Padfoot.

Padfoot: I can't help it! I'm not a list maker. _You _are. I'm just bored. And Moony kicked me out of his house.

Prongs: Now I know why I should feel sorry for Moony. He has to deal with you.

Padfoot: You have to deal with Lily.

Prongs: Don't let her see you write that.


	19. The Caroling Incident

**M/N:** Time moves so quickly when you're having fun...time to bring out the mistletoe! Gah...Padfoot's favorite thing. grins You're just waiting for it, my friends.

**A/N:** Covering the major holidays here, I suppose...I present you now..._Christmas with the Marauders. _In two parts. This is the caroling and next is Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. Yes, all of them together with Christmas carols and Mistletoe and presents. And chocolate. And punch, with God knows what's in it.

**The Eve of Christmas Eve**

**Outside Moony's bedroom door**

**A conversation between the Marauders**

"_Moooooonnnyyy..._come out."

"_No_!"

"We aren't going to hurt you, you git. Get in the spirit!"

"No! This will be like the caroling incident of '76 all over again! I'm not leaving this room!"

"Oh, come on. That guy didn't let out those pitbulls on purpose. It was an accident."

"You say that because _you_ can sing, Prongs."

"You have a beautiful singing voice, Moony."

"No, I don't. Go away. You'll have to drag me out!"

"P-Padfoot? Why are you grinning like that?"

"Let's oblige the man, Prongs."

**25 seconds and one broken door later...**

"LET GO OF ME! Padfoot! Wormtail!"

"Calmly, Moons. This is for your own good."

"Tell Prongs to watch where his antlers go then. I'll have to buy a new door..."

"After caroling."

"Nooooo...Snape sounds better then me, and we have proof of that. So just leave me here with my Dickens, and my hot cocoa, and go sing your little hearts out."

"Sorry. Put on your thermal underthings and your old man jacket and get out into that freezing night air before we have to do it for you!"

"I hate the lot of you."

**Several long and disgruntled minutes later...**

"Now let's here a rousing chorus of God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs!"

"No one knows all the words to that."

"No one on the face of the earth."

"That's why it's so much _fun_. You make up your own."

"You're too excited about this, Padfoot."

"Or maybe you're just not excited enough. Eh, Wormtail?"

"I'm dreading it, myself."

"_We know_, Moony."

"And yet here I am, partially numb from my legs up...the majority of my body frozen..."

"Terribly bitter."

"And it's all your fault."

**After the Caroling Incident, Part Two **

"I be, I be, stuck in a tree...flea, a flea, a cow goes MOOOOO!"

"I hurt. In so many places. And that's not a carol, Padfoot. And if I didn't hurt so much I would get up and hit you."

"I second that motion, Moony."

"I third it."

"I fourth it!"

"You just agreed to let me hit you...I think...the cold has messed with my head...it has permenantly frozen brain cells...I've lost motor skills and the ability to play the recorder and to speak fluent Gaelic..."

"I don't think you could do that before."

"That's beside the point, Wormtail."

**

* * *

**

**You're invited to the first annual Marauder's Christmas Party**

**Bring us presents and you can stand under the mistetoe with Padfoot!**

**(please bring your own food) (for your own safety)**

**RSVP (really scary vipers prance?) (rabid Slytherins vex Prongs?) (Regulus sees vicious porcupines?)**

**-Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs**


	20. Silver Trees

M/N: So many reviewers, just waiting to stand under the mistletoe with me...and me! Yet not me. 'cause you're married Prongs. Lily would hunt them down. Or _me_. Do you not find that understandable, Wormtail, considering what you later turn into? No...

A/N: DiscombobulatedDrummer (it's torture spelling your name)...I guess we can _share_ Moony and you can share Padfoot with the majority of the other girls... I don't think the guys would mind. See all of you at the party!

_Christmas with the Marauders _Part Two

**Before the party**

**The Potter's house**

**Godric's Hollow**

**A conversation between Prongs and Padfoot**

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly..."

"I thought we were done caroling, Padfoot."

"We're never done caroling, Prongs. Never."

"Be careful with that tinsel! Remember last Christmas!"

"Death by tinsel, yes, I almost killed your owl...whatever, it was a once in a lifetime event and will never happen again..."

"Well, just in case, don't fling it like that."

"Makes you flinch?"

"It's from living in the same immediate area as you for seven years..."

"I do have that affect on people...tis' the season to be jolly...fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la..."

"We'll have to keep you away from the punch, won't we?"

"Don we now our gay apparel..."

"You're not going to answer me, are you?"

"FA-LA-LA-FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!"

"I'll take that as a no..."

**Later that night**

**The Potter's Doorstep **

**A conversation between Moony and Wormtail**

"So what did you get them?"

"Chocolate for Prongs and Lily...and..."

"Moony?"

"...a book for Padfoot."

"He's going to kill you."

"Probably. It will be worth it to see the look on his face, though. I have some chocolate to give him, too, just in case."

"Smart of you."

**Five Seconds Later**

"Hey, they're here! Moony! Wormtail! Come inside...come inside...let me help you with those presents..."

"No, you don't, Padfoot. We'll take them."

"You don't trust me?"

"No."

"I'm shocked at you, Moony. And on _Christmas_. Jesus is frowning at you now."

"He's a very forgiving man. I think he'll sympathize with me. Now where's the tree-oh my dear lord."

"Like it?"

"It's...huge."

"And silver!"

"And...silver."

"And you _love it_."

"And...well, I don't really love it."

"Well, you should. Now sit the presents underneath the glowing silver deity of a tree so I can stare at them and slowly develop x-ray vision so that I don't have to shake them to figure out what they are..."

"Right-o, Pads."

**Around the dinner table**

**Padfoot's Speech**

"So...we're all here. Moony...Wormtail...Prongs...Evans...McGonagoll...Headmaster...Hagrid...Kingsley...the entire Order of the Phoenix...a few people who stole some invitations...the little kid from down the street...Andromeda...Ted...Nymphadora...that guy, I don't really know his name...we'll call him Jimmy...and of course, me. We're sitting here, waiting to consume every last morsel of the delicious food that Lily so carefully made, waiting for McGonagoll's pudding, waiting for the _presents._ But before we do any of this, I would like to tell you a little story about Christmas.

In years past, we would spend the holidays as little Gryffindors in our little common room, exchanging little presents and really just being _little_. But now...we aren't little anymore. We are adults. I am now an accomplished member of the Ministry-say nothing, Moony-Prongs is married and in the last phases of his auror training...Moony is doing whatever people like him do and talking more to his books then he does us...and Wormtail is...well, Wormtail is really just Wormtail. We are all taller and smarter and I, for one, am far more attractive...

But that is far beside the point. My point is just that we should treasure these days just like we did when we were still children. We should hold onto them and let them be the memories that we recollect to our great-grand-children when we are old and grey and not that attractive anymore.

Thank you.

**Two stunned silent minutes later**

**A low murmur of conversation between...everyone**

"Black actually just made sense..."

"He was being serious..."

"I _am_ Sirius!"

"He was...actually...actually..._sweet_."

"Don't look so shocked, Evans."

"I'm impressed with you, Padfoot. Honestly. I was almost in tears."

"Thank you, Moony. Thank you all."

"You're welcome."

"You're welcome."

"You're welcome."

"You're welcome."

"Ok. OK! I'm welcome. I get it. Now eat before everything gets all cold and hard and I attack the pudding."

**After Dinner**

**Around the Christmas tree**

"That one's for Minnie...that one's for Nymph...and the last one is for me. From Moony. It feels hard...and it doesn't smell good...it smells old. Old, Moony!"

"You can't open it yet, Padfoot. On the count of three..."

"1..."

"2..."

"5!"

"3, my lord!"

"Not again. Go ahead and open them!"

"No! _WHY_? It's a book! You got me _a book_. There is something seriously wrong with you, my friend. Something seriously, seriously wrong."

"You have an evil glint in your eyes...stop walking towards me, Padfoot..."

"I think long and hard about what to give you and you go out and buy me a book that weighs infinitely more then I do. _A History of Magical Civilizations and their Philosophies._ It's 1,000 pages. On philosophy. I should kill you for that, Moony."

"Umm...wait, Padfoot! Look what I've got in my pocket! Chocolate! Fetch, boy. Fetch!"

"That doesn't work anymore."

"It's creamy, rich, dark chocolate...with caramal..."

"C-Caramal?"

"Yeah. _Caramal_."

"Give it to me!"


	21. New Year's and Suspicious Lipstick

M/N: Christmas is _over. It's ovvveeeerrrrr..._I know, Prongs. I can't believe it either. Even Moony (that grinch) looks sad. I think it's from the cake you made for dinner, Padfoot. Didn't agree with you? ...

A/N: I believe it's time for some New Year's Eve...

**New Year's Eve**

**Padfoot's Flat**

**9:00 P.M.**

"3 hours! 9 o'clock and all is well!"

"You're going to do that every hour, aren't you, Padfoot?"  
"Yep."

"Earplugs! My _kingdom_ for some earplugs!"

"I stole your only pair, Moony. And burned them. And laughed"

"That's what that smell was..."

"I thought it was just Wormtail..."

"Hey!"

"No offense."

"Well...none taken."

"Ah, so sweet. Group hug."

"No! Gah! The pain! Marauder hugs hurt."

"That's because you don't participate willingly, Moony We have to force you."

"I got a black eye last time..."

"And a missing front tooth...which, incidentally, you didn't get back for Christmas..."

"Yes, well, I'm going to sue St. Nick for all he's worth next Christmas, so it doesn't matter, does it?"

"...you're a cruel, cruel human being."

**1 Hour Later**

"2 hours! 10 o'clock and all is well!"

"If I hadn't just drank three bottles of firewhiskey, I would strangle you, Pads."

"Thank you, Prongs. And I would help. If I hadn't drank five..."

"Thank you, Moony. I'm glad to see you've loosened up."

"My pleasure...wait, Wormtail?"

"He's asleep!"

"Perfect! Let's put odd things on him and take pictures!"

"Go ahead and get the camera, Padfoot!"

**20 Minutes Later**

"A tennis racket...a rag-doll...a feathered boa...a pink jumper...several broken necklaces...and a face covered in lipstick. Do I really want to know why you have all that handy, Padfoot?"

"Probably not."

"Right. Now take the picture."

"Let's all get in with him! I bet he'll love this!"

"Christmas card for next year."

"Just have to get Lily in it, Prongs. I'm sure she would approve."

"Once hell has frozen over, then maybe. She banned firewhiskey in our house."

"Mini-dictator, is she?"

"Hitler without the moustache."

"She would look quite dashing with a moustache."

"Quite."

**11:00 P.M.**

"1 HOUR! 11 o'clock and all is well!"

"And he's still asleep!"

"Quickly, tape the pictures all over the wall! Send it to the Prophet!"

"Moony's excited. Wow."

"It's the alcohol, Padfoot...makes me jumpy."

"Then jump, Moony, for the love of all things holy, JUMP!"

"No thank you."

"I knew you didn't have it in you. I'm ashamed."

"I'll live. Hand me another bottle."

**Midnight**

**New Year's Day**

"12 o'clock and all is well! HAPPY NEW YEAR! I'M GIVING YOU A HUG WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, MOONY!"

"Dear lord...oxygen! I-need-it."

"Wazzhappening..."

"Wormtail lives!"  
"Hey, Padfoot! Let go of me!"

"Happy new year old buddy!"

"What...what is that picture...? What is that?"

"Oh...you mean _this_ picture? Don't you like it?"

"Where did you get lipstick? I'm wearing lipstick!"

"WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT!"


	22. The Order of the Phoenix

**M/N: **The Marauders are currently absent from the Maruaders' Note due to the fact that they are now in a super secret Order meeting and are infinitely cooler then the rest of you.

**A/N: **Their ego, not mine. I have 10 minutes to write this before I have to sleep...sleep sounds nice...foreign, but nice...Sorry for the length of this, but...I wanted to post something and this is it and I should stop writing the authors note NOW...ok..

**Floo Conversation between Moony and Padfoot**

"Did you get a letter? Did you? Huh, huh, did you?"

"Yes, I did. I'm just guessing that it's the cause of your frenzy...or is it caffeine again?"

"...both, actually, but that doesn't matter! Did it not sound amazingly _cool_ to you?"

"The Order of the Phoenix...sound official, at least..."

"I wonder if we get stickers? Or t-shirts? Ooh...or _buttons_?"  
"Calm down, Pads."

"You are joining, aren't you? You aren't just going to sit in the library the rest of your life, are you, Moony? I thought we broke you of that at school!"

"That's impossible, I'm afraid."

"Nothing's impossible...now stop evading my question!"

"Yes, I'm joining. How could I not?"

"You're a good man, Moony. Doing your part for the common man."

"If the library hadn't revoked my card for accidentally spilling chocolate on some Shakespeare, than I might not join, but my life doesn't mean much now, so..."

"Remus Lupin...mutilator of fine literature... I like it."

"Give me that title and I call you Siri."

"..._fine_."

**

* * *

**

**To: Mr. Padfoot**

**From: Prongs**

Padfoot, who is probably jumping up and down,

Yes, I got a letter and HA! My auror training isn't for NOTHING! You were wrong AGAIN, my friend.

I think this idea is good anyway. Don't worry...I'm done gloating. Though, considering some of Dumbledore's ideas in the past...sometimes it's unwise to listen to the man.

I guess you're already waiting on his doorstep.

Plastic sword at ready?

I know you've got one.

Signed,

Prongs

P.S. Lily is joining, too.

**

* * *

**

**To: Mr. Prongs**

**From: Padfoot**

Prongs, in all your stupid auror glory,

The training is still worthless. Don't worry. And, no, I'm NOT waiting at his door. I'm at McGonagoll's, thank you very much.

_Evans _is joining? Hmph.

I guess if she can fight...

she is _girl_.

-Pads

**

* * *

**

**To: Sirius Black**

**From: Lily POTTER**

Black,

I can fight you. I thought you would have found that out back in first year.

You sound like a three-year-old.

A chauvinistic three-year-old.

A bad combination...

Maybe I should tell Dumbledore to revoke your invitation.

Yes, I have that power.

Yes, I will do it.

Take that,

Lily

**

* * *

**

**To: Most High and Honorable Lily...Potter...**

**From: The lowly Sirius**

My wonderful friend,

Did I ever tell you how _beautiful_ you are? And smart! A lovely combination, if I may say so myself.

Your ever adoring fan,

Sirius Black


	23. Secret Agent Man

**M/N:** We're back! Did you miss us? Did you break into tears at the sight of the Marauderless Marauders' Note? Did you resort to searching out badly drawn fan art to satisfy your need for Padfoot since Charmed is terrible and writes short, short, isanely short chapters?

**A/N:** I have a cold. Or I vaguely assume I have a cold, due to the fact that I can only breathe through one nostril and my head feels like there are tiny litte birds trying to peck their way out of it. And it also took me an oddly long amount of time to make Nesquick. Or however you spell it. That might have been because I stopped to contemplate why Mom got us the stuff now instead of when most kids got it (blessed kindergarten).

Oh, and McGonagall _is _spelled with an a! How strange...

**The first official meeting of the Order of the Phoenix**

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**

"I'd like to thank you all for coming today."

"You're welcome, headmaster!"

"Err...of course, Mr. Black...now as I was saying...I'm sure you have all heard of the grave matter involving one Lord Voldemort and his followers. He's growing in power and something needs to be done."

_Sung quietly by Padfoot so only Moony can hear_

"Secret agent man..._secret agent man_..."

Written on a scrap piece of paper while Dumbledore continues to speak

Moony: Shut up and listen, Padfoot. This is important.

Padfoot: I can't just listen...I want to do something. I want to be a _spy_! I want to sneak around corridors and secret passages and use cool pens that turn into lasers and guns...

Moony: You've been watching too many muggle movies. And you have a wand. It's sort of all-purpose.

Padfoot: But it doesn't look as cool. It's just a tree branch.

Moony: That you can use to kill people with.

Padfoot: You can kill someone with a normal tree branch.

Moony: I'm assuming you tried it on Regulus?

Padfoot: Mayyybbbeeeee...

Moony: And you wonder why your family doesn't like you...

_Passed to Prongs indiscretely beneath the table by way of Moony's stolen shoelace_

Padfoot: Bored, much?

Prongs: Not in the least bit. Now go away.

Padfoot: Like you're listening. You're staring at Lily.

Prongs: No, I'm not.

Padfoot: Yes, you are!

Prongs: ...fine, I_ am_. But I'm listening, at the same time, unlike some part canines I know

Padfoot: Moony, right?

Prongs: Of course.

_Unceremoniously thrown at the back of Wormtail's head_

Padfoot: Can you do something about Moony over here? He actually seems to be enjoying this lecture.

_Three minutes later, thrown harder_

Padfoot: ARE YOU ALIVE?

_Tossed roughly back_

Wormtail: Yes, I'm alive. I just...dozed off for a moment. And leave Moony alone.

Padfoot: I can't leave him alone. He begs to be bothered. Just look at him.

Wormtail:...point taken, but that doesn't mean you have to do it.

Padfoot: Somebody does.

Wormtail: Then find him a girlfriend and let her do it.

Padfoot: ...but have you ever tried it? It's _fun_. Poke him! Go ahead, just poke him!

Wormtail: Will you leave me alone?

Padfoot: Of course.

_Several minutes later...sent flying towards Padfoot's eye (almost successful in mission to blind him)_

Moony: You're a bad influence, Black! Let me be before I kill you and Wormtail both!

Padfoot: He's just realized how easy you are to annoy. Just look at the light in his eyes. You bring joy to him.

Moony: Soon it will be pain if the poking does not cease.

Padfoot: You're just a big talker. I doubt you'd ever hurt a fly.

Moony: The full moon's coming up, Padfoot. I can't always control what I do around this time of month...

Padfoot: Feminine emotions, Moons?

Moony: You are dangerously close to defying the Marauders' Code of Conduct.

Padfoot: **_pulls folded copy from pocket_** Darn it.

_Crumpled and slid to Prongs_

Padfoot: Let's make our daring escape!

Prongs: Shush. He's almost done talking.

Padfoot: Do we at least get snacks after?

Prongs: Juice boxes and graham crackers, my friend.

"In conclusion, thank you all once again for coming. Together we can do what people are beginning to think impossible. Together we can save the world."

"Bravo! Bravo!"

"Don't make me blush, Mr. Black."

"Ok, who brought snacks? Minnie?"

"We aren't children, Black. We don't require snacks to fuel our attention spans."

"...I do."

**After the meeting**

**School grounds**

"Stalking through the night...slipping through the shadows...duh-duh-duh...Sirius Black, secret agent."

"If there was ever a need for a sniper right now..."

"Yeah, Moony...right there, in between those two gargoyles...perfect place to get Padfoot."

"Right between the eyes. If they had good enough aim."

"Plotting my demise. Really, I would expect it of Evans, but Prongs? Moony?"

"If I hear anymore secret agent talk, I'll be doing it, too."

"Wormtail...for shame"

"Sorry, mate."

"Fine...I'll just go find someone who's worthy of my skills..."

**After dashing off into the night**

"Bugger, it's dark...where's my wand?...Oh...I guess I left it inside. Moony? P-Prongs?_ Help_. Ok. Calm down. Just use your cool intellect...your brilliant wit...and feel your way back. That's it. There's a wall. There's a vine. There's something cold...and wet...and furry...hmm...that's, well, th-that's odd...Help! Help!"

**The Next Day**

**Godric's Hollow**

**A conversation between Moony and Prongs**

"You know, I haven't heard from Padfoot since last night. You do think he's all right, don't you, Moony?"

"He's Padfoot. Is he ever really all right?"

"True...but still..."

"He'll come back soon enough, thoroughly disgruntled and possibly a little more scarred than before. No harm done."

"Unless he wandered into the forest..."

"I'm supposed to be the pessimist here. Now stop worrying."

"All the blame falls on you, then?"

"Like always."

"If he's half eaten by some wild beast of some sort...?"

"I'll tend all the wounds myself."

"Nurse Moony."

"My back-up profession."

**An Hour Later**

"Someone's knocking, Prongs."

"It's Padfoot."

"...how in the world do you know that?"

"Because it sounds like he's ready to charge the door."

"Well, answer it!"

"You answer it!"

"You answer it!"

"I hear you in there!"

"Fine...Hi, Padfoot. My, that's a lovely scar. Is it...recent?"

"I was attacked. I couldn't see it to fend it off. Are you happy now, Moony?"

"Of course not. What attacked you?"

"I'd rather not say."

"Come _on_. What was it?"

"A...flobberworm..."

"Oh...how...how..._vicious_. I'm surprised you made it out alive."

"Stop laughing. My beautiful face is marred for eternity. Moony! Prongs! Stop laughing!"

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...it's just...a _flobberworm_. They don't have _teeth_."

"It attached itself to my skin and wouldn't let go. It's like a leech, a nasty little bloody leech...I said stop laughing!"

"It's your animal attraction, Pads. It couldn't help itself."

"You're just jealous, then. Because I have a plant _and_ a worm that love me. You just have books."

"I'm perfectly fine with that. I don't envy you your flobberworm."


	24. Three mimes, a cake, and a wilted Remus

M/N: She says I don't get to sing in this...I don't like her anymore. I'm sure she'll be _crushed_. Just because she likes you more, Moony, doesn't mean you have to brag about it!

A/N: ...Chapter 24 is here, ready, and completely devoid of Padfoot singing _anything_. The actual party is next chapter unless Moony murders them all before then. He's close.

**To: Mr. Prongs**

**From: Moony **

Prongs-

As you've probably been reminded (several, several times) a certain part-canine, part-three-year-old's birthday is this weekend. This year it will be a surprise. I will surprise him if it kills me and he better act it, or I'll kill him...

Ahem...

Thoughts? He'll be overjoyed with anything involving cake and possibly mimes. You know Padfoot. The usual.

Signed,

Moony

P.S. Burn this letter so there is no trace of _anything _(vengeance will be mine)

**

* * *

To: Mr. Moony**

**From: Prongs**

Slightly scared of you now,

Obsessive, maybe? There is absolutely no way we'll get this past Padfoot. He is the king of this sort of thing. He can see through us like we're _glass_. _GLASS_, Moony! He's like...like...well, I would say magic but I guess that would be redundant.

Are you impressed with my vocabulary? I am.

Like I was saying, it is pointless to try this. I would rather repeat the Caroling Incident then try this again.

Oh, yes. Your letter is now a pile of ashes and a burn mark on my desk. Padfoot will probably see it and figure out what it is. He won't listen to my pleas that I knocked the candle over...he's tricky like that. He'll know.

Currently glaring at my desk,

Prongs

**

* * *

Mr. Moony's, Mr. Prongs's, and Mr. Wormtail's List of Surpr Par Ideas**

Moony: Western theme...I believe Padfoot had that obsession with being a cowboy at one point. We can dress everyone up in stupid costumes...Wait. I don't want to wear a costume...next idea...

Prongs: I thought you said we could just give the man _cake_. I didn't know we had to come up with a theme.

Moony: I said cake and possibly mimes, Prongs. _Mimes._

Prongs: Well, a mime is a terrible thing to waste...

Wormtail:...

Moony:...

Prongs: I watch muggle movies, too!

Moony: Anyway...

Wormtail: I have an idea.

Moony: Really? Go ahead!

Wormtail: I'll have my mom make the cake, we can all three dress up as mimes, and Moony can make the invitations.

Moony: Simple...yet genius. Get on it, Wormtail. Prongs...you consult Lily, since that's what you're best at, and get all the mime-ish things you can find. I'll work on invitations! Go!

Prongs: Sir, yes, sir!

**

* * *

The Invitation**

Speak of what is on this paper to anyone and you shall be viciously attacked by the flobberworms of the Forbidden Forest.

You have been forewarned.

_All information written in invisible ink. If you can't read it you can't come! HA! _

_Umm...RSVP. Please._

**

* * *

To: Mr. Moony**

**From: Padfoot**

Dear most mischevious Moony,

You don't think that I know you're planning something, but I do. Oh, I do...

You never forget my birthday. Never. Not since I met you on that day I dumped the pudding onto your lap during the feast. You know, because you were reading a book and eating at the same time. It disturbed me.

So...where's the party going to be this year, my fine furred friend? Are there..._mimes _involved?

Signed most respectively,

Padfoot the Brilliant

**

* * *

To: Mr. Padfoot**

**From: Moony**

Most high imbecile,

I have not utter clue of what you are speaking of. You are most insane.Go away.

-Moony (who is not looking to surprise anyone) (not at all)

**

* * *

To: R.J. Lupin**

**From: Professor McGonagall**

Lupin,

You could have put a better charm on your invitations. Took about three seconds. Did you have to choose mimes? Could it not have been...I don't know, anything other then mimes? Will that not just fuel Black's insanity. I thought you were the smart one.

-Minerva McGonagall

**

* * *

To: Professor McGonagall**

**From: Remus Lupin**

Professor,

I thought I was, too. I thought I was, too...

Signed,

a very forlorn and slightly wilted Remus Lupin

P.S.: Sirius would want you to come. For him?


	25. Birthday mimes? Good God!

**M/N:** Happy birthday to me...happy birthday to me...happy birthday, dear Padfoot...happy birthday to _me_! Is it your birthday, Padfoot...I couldn't tell...

**A/N:** I don't know who reviewed. Or when I last updated. Yes, I know I'm sad. But there's a little thing called _algebra_ which is just a plot by the _Man_ to ruin our lives. My algebra teacher is the _Man_. But don't let her hear you say that.

**A Conversation between Padfoot and Prongs**

**The Day of Padfoot's Birthday**

"So, what's Moony planning this year?"

"What...what are you talking about?"

"My dear, dear Prongs. You're so naive, thinking you can keep this from me. You can just smell surprise party in the air."

"I think that's just Lily cooking...I already told you she wasn't that great at it..."

"I'll act surprised."

"Would you, please?"

**Moony's Checklist...the checklist of all checklists...**

_All Things Mime-ish_

_Makeup...(not something that should normally be on my checklist) (umm...check)_

_Striped clothing (we look like really messed-up prisoners) (check)_

_Skills with invisible pianos, ropes, boxes (gah) (not so much...but, check)_

_The Food_

_Cake...(tall, chocolate, and straight from Mrs. Pettigrew's kitchen) (check)_

_Drinks...alcohol and caffiene (because that is what Padfoot's body mainly consists of) (double check)_

_General unhealthy goodness (sure to clog our arteries in three seconds or less) (check)_

_The Guests_

_Amazingly they all RSVP'd. That would be a check. _

_Decorations_

_Five hundred black helium ballons (and one unconscious, high-pitched Wormtail)(Priceless...check)_

_Crepe paper (the devil's invention...Lily took care of it) (check)_

**Padfoot's Flat**

**Ten minutes before the party**

"Ok, everybody! He'll be here in a few minutes...take your positions!"

"Your _positions!_"

"What are you talking about, Lupin?"

"For Merlin's sake, just hide! He's on his way!"

"There isn't enough furniture here to hide behind..."

"Get on top of each other then!"

"Has he gone mad, Albus?"

"I believe so, Minerva. I believe so."

**8 Minutes Later**

"He's here! Ok, the lights are going off. Nobody scream, y'know, the faint of heart, pregnant women and such...please just leave the room..."

"Get down, Remus."

"Thanks, Lily."

**Enter Prongs and Padfoot**

"Hmm...I wonder why the lights are all turned off on my _birthday_...surely everyone remembered that is my _birthday_...curious, very curious..."

"Padfoot!"

"Moony? Is that you in the darkness? Hmm...even more curious."

"You _knew_! You knew!"

"Knew what, my dear, horridly conspicious friend?"

"About...err, Prongs, turn on the light so I can kill him!"

"You can't kill the birthday boy!"

"Watch me!"

**After a high-speed chase scene...**

"Careful! You'll ruin the cake!"

"Oh. You're right, Wormtail. The cake is the most important thing."

"A minute ago killing you was the most important thing, Padfoot...but after jumping over the miserable lump you call a couch three times...cake sounds good."

"Cake always seems good, Moony. Don't you know that? Get me a piece the size of my head, Wormta- wait. Bigger."

"Right-o."

"Hold on...are you two dressed up as _mimes_? Oh, you _areeee_...I love you guys. What are you gonna do?"

"...uh..."

"Oh, come on, Moony, do a trick!"

"Well..."

"Get hit with a piano! Or better yet, hit me with a piano! Or lock me in a box-with my cake, of course-!"

"I don't think we really can...hey, look, Padfoot! Presents!"

"Presents?"


	26. Ask the Marau I mean, Padfoot

M/N: I have a birthday cake hangover. I second that. My mom is a genius. I second that, too. Lily is pretty when she's sick. ...umm...I don't second that.

A/N: Whoa. I just drank two cups of the best hot chocolate I have ever tasted in all of my 13 years out of a bright pink Disney cup and the world is now all colorful...reminiscent of Pepperland, it is...This chapter is just like a commercial before the next one, not an actual chapter

_Please stay tuned for a message from our sponsors..._

**THE MARAUDERS WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE A COMPLETELY OFF-TOPIC, UN-PLOT MOVING EVENT!**

**...Ask Padfoot!**

**Hold on, Ask Padfoot? I thought it was Ask the Marauders?**

**Yes, but that would be stealing a title from another website, so it's Ask Padfoot now. **

**How come you get to have your name in it?**

**Because I'm prettier then the rest of you.**

**Well, you have got us there...**

**Thank you, Moony. Now back to the subject at hand. All you must do is submit your question in a review and we will answer it as fully as we possibly can. **

**THE RULES: **

**#1: Nothing vulgar. This is K, people. **

**#2: Nothing involving dates and figures (both Padfoot and the author can't do them)**

**and other than that...you have absolute free reign...see you soon.**

* * *

A/N: One more thing! I just discovered that I have an actual graphics program on my computer (y'know, other than paint) so I'm on a LiveJournal icon fix. Ok, I've made two, but whatever. Any suggestions are welcome (thus far I have a 'that plant just winked at me' and a '...siriusly?' one) 


	27. Part One: Embarrassing Padfoot

**M/N:** We're ready to answer all of your questions! (if appropriate) (if not appropriate, then Padfoot will laugh about them at night)

**A/N:** ...here it is. They had a hard time answering some of these...detailed accounts. Wow. You want detailed accounts. I think I used the word embarrassed 500 times in this chapter. I'm not sure if I ever spelled it correctly(if any more questions get sent in they may get answered in the next chapter)

_**ASK PADFOOT!**_

**Question # 1 **from Selene 147: Has anything, erm, embarrasing, ever happened to you while in your animagus form? Involving pretty colors?

Padfoot: Oh no, not this story...

Prongs: Oh, yes! This story!

Padfoot: Fine...the memories...where should I begin? Ah yes...

It was the first full moon that we had all transformed together. Sadly, the plan wasn't very well thought out, because that was also the first time that we had transformed...umm...ever. I think that was Prongs's idea. Anyway, we were all in the Shack and we heard Moony yell so we started to change. I could feel fur, like, growing from my skin, but I wasn't actually changing shape. Soon enough, I was just standing there covered from head to toe in black fur but otherwise exactly the same as before. You could imagine my displeasure when I saw that I was standing before a full-fledged werewolf, a stag, and (well, he wasn't so intimidating) a rat. Apparently, Moony didn't recognize me and made the freaky growling noise in the back of his throat that I only hear when I try to steal his chocolate, so I went with my first instinct and ran for my life.

So I was running across the grounds as fast as my long, furry legs could carry me when I ran straight into someone in a plaid dressing gown. And a tight bun. Yes, it was Minnie McGonagall. The whole plaid (pink and green and blue. Very pretty colors if you ask me) thing frightened me almost as much as Moony did, so I managed to run away again before she could tell who I was. Eventually, when I calmed down later (after hiding three hours in the midst of a tree in the forest next to a rather forlorn looking squirrel) I managed to change back to normal and find the others. They laughed. I was scarred for life.

**Question # 2 **from MiSS-x-MoOnY: Is there something going on between you and Moony that us readers don't know about?

Padfoot: Well, darn it, Moony. They found us out!

Moony: Ew.

Padfoot: Okay, there's isn't anything going on between us (yet)

Moony: _Ew_.

Padfoot: You've reduced Moony to using one syllable words! It's a miracle!

Moony:...

Padfoot: We're just friends. Just friends. Kissing him would be like kissing my mother...or Lily.

Prongs: You've kissed Lily?

Padfoot: Uh-oh.

**Question #3** from phoenixtear19: Does Padfoot the Great ever get embarrassed? (I would like Remus' answer on this) when why and how?

Moony: I might have recovered from last question enough to answer...what is it with you guys and Pads being embarrased? Anyway...let me think...Well, Padfoot does get embarrassed. I know that for a fact. He just manages not to show it until he's hidden underneath his blankets in the dorm.

Padfoot: Because you know so much about my blankets, Moony. **_waggles eyebrows_**

Moony: _ew..._we'll never live that down...

Wormtail: Continue with your explanation.

Moony: Right. I don't think Padfoot has the ability to blush or show embarrassment in public, though. He always gets through it with a grin on his face. Especially last time.

Padfoot: Not last time.

Prongs: Ah, last time.

Moony: He had taken to sliding down the banisters instead of walking like a normal human being. Of course, that's not a very smart idea since our staircases move and often at the worst times. So he was sliding down, his bag hanging on his shoulder for dear life, when the staircase shifted directions and he flew off, and landed right on top of a certain girl...

Padfoot: Don't you dare say her name.

Moony: that he's had a crush on for ages and whom I will not name.

Padfoot: Thank you.

Moony: He was almost in tears by the time we got upstairs. It was great.

Padfoot: They enjoy laughing at my misery.

**Question #4**from The Female Nerd: If you were to die what would your last word/wish/thought be?

Moony: I would wish that anyone who shares my disease was cured of it. Or that there was Honeyduke's Finest in Heaven or wherever it is I'm going. Either one would be nice. Though a_ river _of Honeyduke's Finest would be very good, too...

Padfoot: You'd swim in it nude everyday, I'm sure.

Moony: Look at the rating, Padfoot and then finish whatever you were saying.

Padfoot: _**Looks up**_ Oh.

Prongs: I would probably be thinking of Lily...and how she would be.

Wormtail: I wouldn't even begin to guess. I don't want to think about dying.

Padfoot: I don't either...but I would wish for a pirate ship...and a dog named Snuffles...oh, and a pony...

Moony: What happened to not needing a dog?

Padfoot: It's name would be _Snuffles, _Moony. I think that makes up for not needing a dog.


	28. Part Two:part two

**M/N:** More Ask Padfoot!

**A/N:**Yay-ness! (no it's not a word, but I love it beyond all possible belief...

_**Ask Padfoot: Part Two**_

**Question #1 **from HPN Padfoot HPN: to Moony and Prongs: (don't let padfoot know) Who IS the girl he landed on?

**Question #1.5** from Mikki Amboree: Who was that girl that Sirius landed on?

Padfoot: WHY DO YOU TAKE SUCH PLEASURE IN MY PAIN!

Moony: We all do, Padfoot. And though I promised I wouldn't tell...

Prongs: I didn't!

Padfoot: Loopholes...

Moony: What makes the world go 'round. Continue, Prongs.

Prongs: ...Emmeline Vance.

Padfoot: Kill me...

Prongs: You were madly in love with her for _years_! It was great.

Padfoot: Compared to you with Lily...that was a mild friendship I had. You stalked. I just quietly pined.

**Question #2** from phoenixtear19 : Has Moony ever gotten seriously embarrased?

Padfoot: Pay back, Mr. Moony! Payback!

Moony: I don't get embarrased. What are you talking about?

Padfoot: What are _you _talking about? It happens all the time! You turn as red as...as...

Prongs: Lily's hair?

Padfoot: Thank you!

Wormtail: What was that time...oh! It was in the Great Hall and you were getting your last chocolate overdose before exams...it was messy...lots of sugar and twitches and the like...there was chocolate all over your face. Someone got a picture...

Moony:...a Slytherin, no doubt...

Padfoot: err..that's right, a Slytherin. Yeah.

Moony: It was YOU?

Padfoot:...

Moony: I should have known! Only you would enlarge it and make it our house banner!

Prongs: Lovely times.

Padfoot: I value my life, Moony. Just to let you know. I don't want to die.

**Question #3** from DiscombobulatedDrummer: I was wondering if y'all know what a SYRUPMAKER is? I do...do y'all?

Padfoot: Sounds yummy.

Moony: The vocabulary of three-year-old...it pains me...

Padfoot: Is it _yummy_?

Prongs: Well, none of us know, do we? Maybe she'll answer if you stop demanding?

Wormtail: I agree with Padfoot.

Moony: Of course you do, Wormtail. I would hazard the guess...one who makes syrup?

Padfoot: You're far to literal to be a Marauder. I wonder about you sometimes.

**Question #4** from ValentineKitty: here's a question. for Moony. What would your ideal girlfriend be like?

Moony: Ha! I got the first girlfriend question! Ha, Padfoot!

Padfoot: Shut up and answer the question.

Moony: Well, this is actually hard to say. I've never really had an actual girlfriend, just because of my

Prongs: Furry little problem?

Moony: Right, that. But they would have to be reasonably intelligent, and kind. They would have to be able to carry on a full conversation, preferably without saying 'like' more then once in the context that I hate..

Padfoot: Like, whatever do you, like, mean by that, like, Moons?

Moony: The temptation to strangle you is great right now...so very, very great...

**Question #5 **from The Female Nerd: What is your favorite music group/song/and type of music...

Moony: If you couldn't tell from before, we all seem to like The Beatles. And Pads is into some of that punk music...

Padfoot: You listen to classical, probably. With your books and your sophisticated language...

Moony: I wouldn't say no to Beethoven, but I listen to more then that.

Prongs: I'm kind of inbetween music wise. I just listen to anything I can physically get my hands on...with the little money we have coming in and what I have to pay for my Auror training...I don't really get to buy records.

Moony: I just have all of my dad's.

Padfoot: I'm just inherently wealthy.

Prongs: Rub it in.

Padfoot: Thank you, I believe I will...


	29. CUPCAKES

**M/N:** Charmed is a procrastinator...

**A/N:** Shut up, Padfoot. This is what I could get out in the ten minutes I have on the computer...other then what I spent rereading Shoebox...ok, fine, I'm a procrastinator.

**

* * *

**

**To: Mr. Sirius Black**

**From: Albus Dumbledore**

Most esteemed Mr. Black,

It has come to my attention that you are in dire need of a new job. As you are now a member of the Order, I feel it necessary to help you with this. Please meet me at the Leaky Cauldron so that we may discuss it.

Yours truly,

Professor Albus Dumbledore,

Order of Merlin and whatnot

**

* * *

**

**The Leaky Cauldron**

**One Hour Later**

"I'm here, professor! I'm-I'm here..."

"Did you run this whole way?"

"As soon as I got your letter. What's my mission?"

"You know you could have apparated..."

"Oh. Bugger."

"And your mission?"

"You don't have a mission for me?"

"Well..."

"You got my hopes up then you DON'T HAVE A MISSION FOR ME?"

"Take a seat, Mr. Black. Have a lemon drop."

"I don't want a lemon drop. I do want a mission."

"Firewhiskey?"

"...ok."

**One Hour and Several Drinks Later**

"A mission! I have a mission for you!"

"Tell me now before we inevitably pass out!"

"Cupcakes! Cupcakes, Mr. Black, Cupcakes!"

"...Cupcakes?"

"Yes!"

"Right! Cupcakes! Brilliant!"

**Later that Day**

**Padfoot's Flat**

**A floo conversation between Moony and Padfoot**

"Moony, I'm knee deep in cupcake batter and I have pink frosting on my nose and I can't stand up straight."

"Typical day in the life of Sirius Black?"

"Heeeelp me."

"What do you expect me to do?"

"I don't know. You're good at this kind of stuff."

"Making cupcakes?"  
"Yes."  
"I've never made cupcakes. I hate cupcakes. They degrade all that is chocolate."

"But you're the most girly of us and that means you can just naturally do things like that...rescue me, Moony, my Moony!"

"You just insulted me and pleaded with me in the same sentence."

"I need you."

"Obviously."

**Padfoot's Flat**

**Several Minutes Later**

"Moony! You came! And you brought Prongs!"

"We had to save you from your horrible cupcake-induced death."

"Lily wanted to let you drown in pink icing."

"I could have guessed."

_The three Marauders set to work, carefully scraping sugar and frosting from every surface in the kitchen, wearing very lacy aprons, and with Padfoot eating only five of the finished cupcakes. At the end of the day, the heroes sat in utter victory, watching their unhealthy, garishly pink treats sit silently on the table. _


	30. Poetry and Hunt your Local Lorax Day

**M/N:** Charmed is reading too much slash. I agree. Chapter 23 of Shoebox, Moony? Most frightening thing I've read in my entire life, Pads. Collective shiver? I wholeheartedly agree.

**A/N:** They're just holding back their uncontrollable passion. You can tell. (besides, not including 23, Shoebox is the lightest slash you can find) Oh, and I'm getting the best Christmas present ever...A Shoebox update! Jaida is our hero.

**Messrs. Wormtail and Moony present:**_Observations on Valentine Enduced Behavior _

_Studied: Subject #1: Padfoot _

_Subject #2: Prongs_

Moony: Subject #2 was seen rampaging a greeting card store in search of the perfect card for one Lily Potter. All he came out with was a horrid pink lace card and a black eye. The worse was yet to come.

Wormtail: The poem?

Moony: The poem. Inside of the card was the worst mistake a man can make...writing an original poem.

Wormtail: I can't stand to read it. You-you do it, Moony.

Moony: Stay strong. I'll read it...ahem...

"_Your hair is the color of flames in a fire_

_your pupils are black like the rubber of a tire_

_your eyes are green like really good spinach_

_I wouldn't trade you for all that is Quidditch"_

Wormtail: That's painful.

Moony: To say the least, Prongs will not have a happy Valentine's Day this year.

Wormtail: But what about Padfoot...I mean, Subject #1?

Moony: Woe to the bachelor who tries to pick up a girl on the most romantic night of the year. Woe.

Wormtail: And so the story of Padfoot the Dateless unfurls...

Moony: We floo'd Padfoot to get the whole story

**Floo Conversation between Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot**

"Padfoot."

"...yes?"

"Are you going to tell us what happened?"

"...no. Go away."

"We just want to help you!"

"No! You want to mock me, and I won't have it..."

"We would never mock you."

"Never, Padfoot."

"...really?"

"Would we lie to you?"

"Yes. But, fine. I'll tell you."

"Get out the notepad, Wormtail!"

"What did you say, Moony?"

"Nothing, Padfoot...continue. Please."

"Okay...I was at the Leaky Cauldron. Just minding my own business, not licking anything, not even drinking...much. Then I saw somebody come in. She looked familiar. Too familiar. "

"It was Emmeline!"

"Shut up, Wormtail. . . ok, it was Emmeline. And she was alone...and looking very...umm..."

"I think we get your point."

"So who wouldn't go talk to her? I sat down next to her at the bar and..."

"And..."

"Her fiancee came in."

"Dear God."

"He was a very large man. His biceps were bigger then my head. Needless to say, I was frightened."

"Poor Padfoot."

"I hurt. In several places, most of them that I'll choose not to discuss."

"Well, I believe that's a story to remember. Good-bye, Pads."

"Wait, aren't you supposed to comfort-"

**The Conclusion**

Valentine's Day is painful, humiliating, and too pink to do any good in this world. It should be eliminated. Enclosed is a list of possible replacement holidays:

1. Give your wandering troubadour a handshake...day.

2. Dress up your parakeet...day

3. Hunt your local lorax ...day (with fake guns, of course)


	31. Sarcasm

**M/N:** If she hadn't already written her Christmas chapters, we could celebrate it on TIME. Moony, stop being punctual...it doesn't become you. Besides, in our time, it's like February...or March...or something. See, Prongs! You don't even know what month it is! That's because I can't tell time.

**A/N:** Neither can I, Prongs. Neither can I. I wish I could write longer chapters but there are cookies baking...and I have a spelling bee tomorrow...of which I have not studied for.

**A Note from Lily to Sirius**

**stuck to the door of his flat**

James is having a nervous breakdown and is hiding in the corner of our bedroom.

He won't talk to me.

Come now and talk some sense into him before I kill him.

-Lily

**Several Minutes Later**

**Godric's Hollow**

**Conversation between Padfoot and Lily**

"You called?"

"Get in here, Black."

"So much politeness in one small woman. It's amazing."

"He's still in the corner and you better get in there or I'll kill you, too."

"What's he crying about this time?"

"I don't know! He won't tell me!"

"He's is too emotional for his own good. I'm often surprised he didn't come out a girl."

"Go."

"In fact, I think you're more manly then Prongs, wiry lad that he is."

"Sirius!"

"Yes, sir."

**A Conversation between Padfoot and Prongs**

"Knock, knock. What's breaking your poor little heart today, Prongsie?"

"Go away. I do not wish to talk to you."

"Very eloquent. You must be upset."

"Leave me."

"Would a true friend leave you like this?"

"Yes."

"Well, shows you how much of a friend I am! I'm staying. In fact, I might take pictures."

"Go ahead. Record my misery forever. Pass it out to your friends and family. I don't care."

"But you remember, Prongs, I hate my family to the very point of insanity and my only other friends are Moony and Wormtail...which is rather sad if you consider it..."

"Why are you still here?"

"To comfort you in your time of need."

"I hate you."

"I feel the love behind the hate, though, and I embrace it. And you."

"No hugs..."

"Gah! Rabid stag. Bad. Bad."

"I _will_ poke you."

"We're getting somewhere, then."

**An Hour Later**

"And then he said...then he said...that I would never make it in his training...and I would never be an auror...and that I had horrible hair..."

"Who said it?"

"Mad-Eye. The trainer? Moody? Have you been listening at all?"

"Err...yes?"

"Some psychologist you are!"

"Hey, I'm not getting paid for this..."

"I'm going to go throw myself off a building or something..."  
"Just not a bridge, okay? I'd hate to have to go pull your body out of the water. I'm not much for being wet."

"You are the single most supportive person I have ever met in my entire life."

"Why thank you."

"And extremely modest. It's amazing, almost."

"I know. It's hard sometimes."

"Sarcasm is wasted."

"Sarcasm?"


	32. GAH

M/N: You had cheesecake and you didn't share? Bad author lady.

A/N: (and it was Christmas cheesecake, too..ha,ha...take that, Pads) Merry Belated Non-denominational Holiday! Marauder group hugs to all!

**Padfoot's Flat**

**Early Morning**

**A Conversation between Moony and Padfoot **

"'morning. I heard about Prongs's nervous breakdown...I suppose you remedied it?"

"Of course. And I got paid for it, too."

"Why would they give_ you _money for _that_?"

"Not money, silly Moony."

"Oh, bother...what is it then? Land? Gold? Their first born child?"

"Cake!"

"I should have known. Every time...it never changes, and yet I continue to ask..."

"I was just having a rather large slice for breakfast when you knocked. I was eating it without a fork. Doesn't that just make you want to punch me?"

"Yes, but I think I can help myself."

"Probably for the better. Come, sit. Let me finish my breakfast."

"I don't believe I want to watch the savagery that is you eating..."

"Well, you will anyway."

**After being pulled to the table...**

"You know, eating like this will only lead to no good. I know I'm not one to talk, but I don't consume large amounts of chocolate _every_ day."

"Only every other day, right, Moons?"

"Beside the point. You need to take care of yourself better or you will die at an extremely early age and probably take the lot of us with you...GAH...nurgh..."

"Cake. The best conversation stopper."

"What...what in the name of all things holy was _that_?"

"I shoved a slice of cake in your mouth."

"Attempted murder. I should have you arrested."

"No, you should finish your food."

"...you're right. Did Lily make this?"

"Do you think that she made it? It comes from our good friends at the local bakery."

"God...it's delicious."

"Come over to the dark side, Moony. We have much better parties and no more vegetables ever."

"And heart attacks by the time your 25..."

"We die happy. Eat your cake."

"Yes. Right."

**Floo conversation between Padfoot, Moony, and Prongs**

**An hour later**

"Have I told you both how impressive I am lately?"

"My modesty has worn off on you, Prongs! Welcome!"

"Shut up, Padfoot...I did something great today."

"That's wonderful. What was it, Prongs."

"Thank you, Moony, I'll tell you...I stood up to Moody."

"And he didn't kill you?"

"Burn you to death with his eye?"

"No! That's the great part!"

"That is impressive."

"Yep...he was telling me how I needed to get a hair-cut or I would miss my target and kill several innocent civilians...or something equally outrageous, like that."

"That's actually true, mate."

"But several, Moony?"

"Just keep talking."

"Anyway, I told him he needed to just back off and mind his own business...except with a few more choice words which I won't mention..."

"And you lived to tell the tale."

"Yes! I already said that. Anyway, he actually laughed! He wanted someone to stand up to him."

"Crazy old man, that Moody."

"That's what I'm thinking, Pads."

"Want to come over and celebrate with us. We still have half of my payment cake left and plenty of joy to share..."

"Ahem."

"Fine, I have plenty of joy to share. Moony is just a sad old man who we keep around from pure pity."

"No, thanks. Keep your cake _and_ your joy. We have plenty here."

"Ooh...more cake?"

"Not for you. No cake for you."

"Cake nazi. I don't love you anymore."

**

* * *

**

**Prongs's final report**

**Name**: James Potter

**Final Grade**: B

**Instructor comments**: An all right lad, after all (I had my doubts). He must learn not to carry his wand in his back pocket or use it for any more 'amusing' pranks. He also needs a stylist, but I passed him anyway.

To Mrs Potter: I feel sorry for you.

**sincerely, **

_**Alastor Moody**_


	33. The last Ask Padfoot EVER

**M/N:** I hate Ask Padfoot.

**A/N:** I figured since I just updated, while writing a new chapter I'd go ahead and finish the last couple of Ask Padfoot questions. Even though, Padfoot still hurts from the last two. This is the last one. I promise.

**Question # 1:**When u first asked out a girl for the 1st time, how did u say it?

Padfoot: Something smooth and dashing no doubt.

Prongs: Who was that first girl you asked out, anyway?

Padfoot: Right, like I would remember her name.

Moony: But you would remember your pickup line?

Padfoot: Do you have to ask? I believe it was something like...no, actually, I'm sure that it was this. One of my best, that was.

Wormtail: Just say it.

Padfoot: Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Moony: Tell me she didn't fall for that.

Padfoot: Right into my arms...ah...second year love...

**Question #2: (For Moony):** Who was your first kiss with?

Moony: Ugh.

Prongs: Remus Lupin Noise of Disgust #24

Padfoot: ha! Yes!

Moony: You honestly don't want to know.

Padfoot: Oh, believe me, Moony. They want to know.

Moony: I can still taste it. Even with the bottle of mouthwash I swallowed...

Padfoot: I'll answer for you if you really want me to...in fact, I would love to...

Moony: I'll do it. I would just like to warn the readers AND the author to keep their minds out of the gutter, though (Charmed: I'll try). This kiss was a meaningless one that happenedwhen Padfoot was drunk and he caught me off guard...so yes, my first kiss was with Sirius Black. Disgusting, no?

Padfoot: Not at all. And you forgot to mention it was wet.

Moony: Oh, God...ugh...

Prongs: Just a little bit disgusting, yes. I'm sure everyone is jealous of you now, Moony.

Moony: Really, they can have him.

**Question #3: (for Prongs):**Which was the worst way Lily rejected you?

Padfoot: You can't really measure Lily's rejections.

Moony: They were vast and varied.

Prongs: And extremely painful. There was one, though...it stands out clear in my memory.

Padfoot: Not the Hogsmeade one?

Prongs: Alas, the Hogsmeade one. It was our first trip to Hogsmeade...third year...very snowy...quite cold. As cold as her heart was. Anyway, I had fallen to my knees in the snow in front of her, offering her flowers. And myself. And in front of several hundreds of students.

Moony: A recipe for love, no doubt.

Prongs: Or heartbreak. And of course, with Lily, it was always the latter. After letting out a long string of insults which I choose not to repeat, she wingardium leviosa'd the flowers out of my hands...and she...put them in my hair. It was braided. And awful. Anyway, somehow in her three years of studying how to torture me, she'd found a charm that made you skip. Everywhere you go. For hours.

Padfoot: Sometimes I envy that girl's brilliance. The names you were called. They were wonderful.

**Question #4 (For Moony, Padfoot and Prongs)**: What what is the most creative, painful and prolonged threat you can think of and whom (meaning just one person each) would you with it upon? And for Wormtail; what whould you rather wear, a turkey suit or a samon suit?

Padfoot: I love you.

Moony: But you don't even know who it is...

Padfoot: I don't care I love her this the best question ever and I will now answer in great detail so shut up Moony

Moony: oh, the lack of punctuation...the horror...

Padfoot: Now that Moony's twitching in the corner, I can answer. The one who recieves my threat would be, of course, one Severus Snape. And it would course involve several painful and probably awkward things. Including an umbrella. Five rubber duckies. A gallon of strawberry syrup. Twenty-three angry taunting Frenchmen...

Prongs: I'll stop you now and agree that my threat would be for Snivellus, except excluding the strawberry syrup. I would make it maple.

Padfoot: Good alternative. Moons?

Moony: I think both of you should get over whatever grudge you're holding...and I'll use my threat for revenge...

Padfoot: DUH-DUH-DUHHHHHH!

Moony: Against Padfoot.

Padfoot: Moony, you hurt me with your words.

Moony: Since you seem to enjoy kissing people so much, I'd sentence you to five hours doing the same to Snape.

Padfoot: **_whimpers_**

Prongs: That's enough answers! Wormtail, which suit?

Wormtail: ...umm...stop grinning, Padfoot! Well...

Padfoot: cough..._turkey_...cough

Wormtail: Why would you say that?

Padfoot: I would love to see your hesitation come Christmas dinner. It would almost be cannibalism...the memories it would make...

Wormtail: In that case, salmon.

Padfoot: You are no fun, you know that? You're worse then Moony. No one likes salmon, anyway.

Moony: I do.

Padfoot: Never mind what I said about you being worse, Wormtail...

**Question #5: **Padfoot, how is the job search going have you found one yet?

Moony: I've been waiting for this question for so long.

Padfoot: Shut up or I'm going to kiss you again.

Moony: You have to answer the questions, Pads. Charmed is waiting off screen with a pointy stick if you don't comply.

Padfoot: Why the does the girl have to have so many bloody trees near her house? Fine. I'll answer. But I will _not_ be happy about it. I am still employed in that janitorial business at this time...

Moony: BUT, there's good news...

Padfoot: Not the news...

Moony: Padfoot heard around the office he's working in that there's a promotion waiting for him soon.

Padfoot: Overseer of...

Moony: Yes?

Padfoot: bathroom supplies.

Moony: So Pads will be spreading joy and soft tissue paper to people soon instead of just cleaning up all their waists.

Padfoot: Woo-hoo.


	34. The Lost Colony of Cats

**M/N: **And after the pain that is Ask Padfoot, Padfoot the Great sighs a great sigh and sees that it is good. As you can see, Padfoot has something that certain experts like to call a 'messiah complex'...it's a disease, boys and girls, and has greatly affected our good friend's brain waves. Be quiet, Moony, and let me bask in my glow...

**A/N:** Right-O...(I am a terrible person and I should have updated long, long, long ago...I'm still here, though **_waves_**)

**Moony's Flat**

**Late Afternoon**

**A conversation between the Marauders **

"Is it just me, Prongs, or has Moony's living room become even cleaner then before?"

"It's not just you, Pads. It's _glowing._..did someone buy you cleaning products as a present again, Moony?"

"No, I don't keep them around anymore, Prongs. Padfoot has a habit of swallowing them."

"You shouldn't have liquid soap look so appetizing. It's a plot to kill me."

"Really, if I wanted to kill you I would have done it back in first year... what with all the pudding and dungbombs that wound up in very odd and very uncomfortable places. You would have deserved it."

"And I wouldn't have been surprised. Now tell us your evil dust-bunny killing secrets."

"I thought you had gotten off your 'save the dust-bunnies' campaign."

"I will _never _be off it until every dust-bunny is safe and in their haven of dust and dreams!"

"Fine. And my secret is never letting the three of you stay here for long periods of time. Now, out."

"But Moony, your flat smells like pinetrees! And chocolate."

"Mine only smells like cat."

"...cat? How did you come by that, Wormtail?"

"It was like that when I moved in. I've been searching for a body or something, but so far..."

"In vain?"

"Yep."

"I have an idea!"

"No, Padfoot."

"Hush, Prongs! I have an idea!"

"NO, Padfoot."

"Moony. I have an idea. We must go to Wormtail's flat and seek out the...DUH DUH DUH _lost colony of the cats_."

"Dramatic stage music and all. This will involve crawling through vents, won't it?"

"What else, Moony?"

"Bother. Let's go then and get it over with..."

**Half an Hour Later**

**Wormtail's Flat**

"If I could just unscrew it...there! Look, a large hole in the wall just big enough for us to crawl through. How convenient."

"I'm not entirely sure we can fit in there."

"Backing out, Prongs? I'm ashamed."

"...I'm not backing out, I'm just stating a fact. Now you go first."

"Wait, shouldn't someone stay behind in case one of you gets stuck? You know to call for help and whatnot?"

"Coward you are, Moony!"

"I volunteer to stay behind."

"Hey, Wormtail, I was going to-"

"I beat you to it. Now get into the vent, Moony."

"I'm going to die in a small enclosed space with _Padfoot_. This is what my life has come to."

"Enjoy it while you can."

**A few minutes later**

**Inside the ceiling**

"It's very dark in here."

"I thrive on darkness!"

"And cold."

"Tell Wormtail to turn the heat on then. In fact, I'll do it myself. Hey! Flip on the heat, would you?"

"No! Padfoot!"

"Wow, it's getting quite hot. Like a tropical vacation."

"Like an oven. I'm going to burn to death. In a ceiling. With you."

"Fine. Turn on the air conditioning!"

"Oh, dear."

"Moony's worried voice. That's a bad sign, Padfoot. And the wind seems to be picking up."

"Dust! Agh, inhuman amounts of dust! My eyes!"

"Wait, Moony. I can't see anything."

"No, really?"

"Where are you?"

"In the corner with the _dust_, Padfoot. I have no idea where I am."

"If I could just find another vent...ha! Ahh!"

"Light!"

**After falling through the new hole in the ceiling**

"I cannot feel my legs as Prongs is sitting on them."

"Well, Padfoot is sitting on me, so there's nothing I can do about that, is there? Use your werewolf powers to push us both off."

"Werewolf powers, my left arm...Help me, Wormtail. You are our only hope."

"Hold on."

**After pulling them apart**

"Are you crying, Padfoot?"

"Another mission failed. I'll never be a spy! Never!"

"Now we'll have to give another 'you can be anything you want to be, no matter how stupid or unrealistic' speech again."

"Whose turn is it this time?"


	35. Expressions

M/N: Charmed has writer's block and obviously hates Valentine's Day as much as Moony does.

A/N: Pink cake is not a breakfast food. I have just now figured that out. I'm going to do a nice flash-back chapter to focus on a Hogwarts Valentine's Day. So here we go, fifth year...

**Fifth Year Boys' Dormitory**

**Gryffindor Tower**

**A Conversation Between Moony and Padfoot**

"Moony! Moony! Wake up! Guess what day it is!"

"The apocalypse? The day of your untimely and compeletely unplanned death?"

"No, silly. It's Valentine's Day!"

"I was dreaming of a world without fake hearts and pink until you woke me up, you know...and I see you've decorated the dorm. Joy of all joys."

"It took me hours. I've been up since 3 A.M. Do you want some coffee? I have plenty. Well, not as much as before because I drank it which might be why I'm twitching now but I'm not entirely sure...so, Moony. Moony, Moony, Moony. I never noticed how fun your name is to say, Moony."

"Oh, it's just loads of fun..."

"Hey, Moony, why are you covering your head with a pillow? You could suffocate yourself, you know."

"Believe me, I know."

"I'll give you some chocolate if you come out. I have plenty of it, too...though I did eat most of it while I decorated, too, I still have plenty. I stocked up, do you know why I stocked up, Moony? _Do_ you?"

"Because you want me to overdose and die?"

"Noooo...because it's _Valentine's Day_. Have I said that already?"

"Is the chocolate pink, Padfoot?"

"...maybe."

"Count me out. I have my own."

"You mean the ones in your stash?"

"How do you know about my stash? Padfoot, you didn't-"

"How do you not know that I know about your stash, that is the question? And I did sneak in there earlier to _borrow_ some..."

"You ate my chocolate...I may have to kill you now..."

"Well, you have to get up to do that so all the better!"

**Transfiguration Class**

Prongs: I'm sending Lily a valentine. Brace yourselves for the reaction.

Moony: There's no lace on it, is there?

Prongs: Of course not! Men don't use lace!

Padfoot: But they use...glitter?

Prongs: It made it look beautiful and sparkly...is there something wrong with me wanting Lily's card to be beautiful and sparkly! Is there!

Wormtail: Of course not, mate.

Prongs: Thank you, Wormtail.

Padfoot: Thank you for lying to him, Wormtail.

Moony: So are you going to ambush her in the hall this time or are you going to attempt to break the spell on the stairs to the girls' dorm again?

Padfoot: It's impossible. Believe me, I even stole James's broom and tried to fly up it. There's some sort of invisible wall...a bruise marred my beautiful face for days. I was never the same.

Prongs: I'm going to casually hand it to her like a sane person.

Padfoot: So you're pretending to be a sane person just for Lily? How romantic.

Moony: She'll fall into your arms at the sight of you not stalking her and not drooling like Padfoot when she walks by.

Padfoot: I do NOT drool.

Moony: You haven't seen yourself in dog form, Pads.

Padfoot: I drool very elegantly, then. Unlike you, who has a tendency to foam at the mouth at a certain time every month. Nothing elegant about that, my friend.

Moony: On that rather insulting note to something beyond my control, I want to listen to McGonagall now.

Prongs: You want to LISTEN to MCGONAGALL?

Padfoot: For shame.

**After Classes**

**Gryffindor Common Room**

**Conversation between Prongs and Lily**

"Evans, I want to give this valentine to you."

"Potter, I do want you to give me that valentine."

"...oh. Please?"

"Do you want me to burn it?"

"Just read it. You'll be giving me a reason not to throw myself in the lake, at the mercy of the giant squid..."

"Fine."

**Five Seconds Later**

"Do you like it?"

"Do you like it? Do you?"

"I don't know what to say."

"You're not burning it. You don't look like you want to hit me."

"Happy Valentine's Day, Potter."

"I...umm..eh..."

**After a possible fainting fit**

**Conversation between Padfoot and Prongs**

"She didn't hit me! I handed her the card and she _didn't hit me_."

"There was no fire?"

"None! I think she may have actually liked it. I think I'm going to die."

"That's sad...you might actually have the slightest of chances with Evans now..."

"I'm not really going to die, it's just an expression!"

"We're Marauders. We don't use expressions."

"Add it to the Code of Conduct! I don't care! I'm in love!


	36. Action!

M/N: Padfoot now considers himself an actor since he's starred in this many chapters, so guess what he wants to do now?

A/N: Direct. Dear God.

**To: Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs**

**From: Padfoot**

Dear People,

I just had a sudden creative urge and as you all know, I must always run with my urges. Come now and you will understand.

If you don't come, I shall be sad. You know what I'm like when I'm sad. Especially Moony.

-Padfoot

**To: Padfoot**

**From: Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs**

Padfoot,

Moony knows just too well what you're like when your sad. As always there is chocolate and tears mixed together, and that just makes the chocolate salty, which makes Moony sad, too. It is a vicious cycle.

We'll be over soon.

Don't wither away and die before then.

-Your hesitant and frightened friends

**Conversation Between the Marauders and Lily**

**Padfoot's Flat**

"Action!"

"What?"

"Prongs, I said action! Do something exciting! You know, worthy of _cinema_."

"Oh, no. Padfoot bought a camera. Who wants to complain first?"

"It will always be you, Moony."

"Get that out of my face, Padfoot."

"I'm getting a close-up...your nose from this angle is _amazing_, really...hey! Why is Evans here?"

"Because James was frightened and needed protection. And because I want to see your latest venture."

"And because she has nothing else to do."

"That, too. Thank you, James."

"You're welcome, dear."

"Padfoot..."

"Yes, Wormtail?"

"Did you just lock the door?"

"...sooooo...let's start making my movie!"

**Two Hours Later**

"Cut! Evans, that was not your line!"

"I'm sorry, Black. Remind me of the plot line of this again? I seem to have forgotten."

"You are an evil alien queen who is attempting to take over London with your evil feminine mind powers."

"That would explain all of the aluminum foil in my costume...but not the spatula.. Wait, who was going to be the queen when I wasn't here?"

"...Moony."

"Excuse me?"

"You look right excellent in a skirt, mate."

"And you know this how?"

"I have my ways."  
"I don't think I want to know. Action."

"Moony! Only the director can say action! And WHO is the director?"

"You, Padfoot."

"And WHO is the creative genius behind all this?"

"You, Adolf."

"No Nazi jokes! Action!"

**Four more hours later**

"And...we're done! Congratulations everyone! I'll make you all stars!"

"With your high-end connections in the film industry?"

"What else, Prongs?"

"Oh, Evans?"

"What, Sirius?"

"Ha! You didn't call me Black!"

"Momentary lapse. What did you want?"

"You had fun, didn't you?"

"I don't know if you could actually call it fun..."

"You had fun!"

"Fine. It was sort of fun."

"Oh, Evans. I might just stop calling you Evans!"

"Oh, then it was _extremely_ fun."

"Thank you, Lily."

**After Lily goes back to Godric's Hollow**

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's just being nice, Padfoot..."

"No, you're hiding something...I can see it in your eyes, Prongs. I can see into your soul."

"She...umm...we're going to have a...baby?"

"An ickle Jamie or Lilykins! Much with the happiness!"

"A new generation of Potters to torture. Stupid soul-seer."


	37. Pickles and Peanut Butter

**M/N:** The epic quest for the perfect baby name continues. Moony chose Mercutio, Wormtail chose Bob, Prongs chose Harry, and Padfoot chose. . .Sirius. Ha, who would name a kid Harry? Who would name a kid Sirius, Padfoot? Point taken. Hey, umm, did you ever consider that the baby could be a girl? Oops.

**A/N:** Just another confusing Marauder's Note. . .I have nothing more to say except that algebra and the public school system is slowly killing me.

**To: The Marauders**

**From: Prongs**

MEN:

Super secret Marauders meeting, my house, NOW.

-Prongs

**Conversation Between Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail**

**The street across from Godric's Hollow**

"Do you lot remember what happened the last time Prongs called a super secret Marauders meeting?"

". . .oh, yeah, Moony. It was when he was planning his final mission to win Lily over."

"Of course, that turned out to be the second to final mission."

"Then the third."

"Then the fourth."

"Which one was this one?"

"You remember, Wormtail. The one where he covered himself in honey and was going to sacrifice himself to the animals in the Forest if she didn't go out with him."

"Right. Then she threw a shoe at his head and told him to wait a day or so, so that she could sell tickets to it."

"She was kind of cruel back then."

"Back then, Moony?"

"She's learned to control her temper, Padfoot. Do you think Prongs would still be alive if she hadn't?"

"True that."

**At the door**

"We can turn back now, you know. . .go to the Three Broomsticks, have a drink or two. . ."

"Padfoot."

"I'm just saying."

**Inside**

"I suppose you all know why I called you here today."

"Are you firing me, Prongs? Are you dying? Am I dying?"

"No, Padfoot. And you will be if you don't let me talk."

"Lily is wearing off on you. Continue."

"I'm going to be a _father_."

"I think it's a bit odd that you didn't realize that before, considering you were the one that told us. In fact, I think there might be pills for that."

"Insanity pills?"

"Or nice padded rooms with male nurses and several injections a day."

"Thank you, Moony. But listen to me again. I am going to be a FATHER. Me. You remember what happened at the first-year orientation after I got Head Boy. Three of them got sent to the Hospital Wing. Three of them."

"Ooh. Yeah, that was unfortunate."

"Understatement of the century, Moony!"

"Sorry, Prongs, but you've grown since then. You'll be a brilliant father."

"I won't kill him?"

"Or her."

"I won't kill _it_?"

"No."

"Unless you try to."

"You're very unhelpful, Padfoot."

"And you need an advice column, Moony. _Ask Moony_. You can wear that skirt that I found for you at the rummage sale, y'know, the paisley one, and put your hair in a delightful McGonagall bun. The Prophet would run it every week."

"I. . .I have nothing to say to that."

"Once again, I have beaten the words from you! I am victorious. Hail me."

**Later that night**

**A conversation between Lily and Prongs**

"Nine months is a very long time."

"Yes. It is."

"Especially to be craving pickles and peanut butter."

"And all things that start with 'p'. It's almost like a Dr. Seuss book. Except it doesn't rhyme. . .yet."

"Oh, my."

"Oh me, oh my, I want some pie!"

"Do you want me to kill myself before the first month?"

"Oh Lily, dear, I don't want you to die!"

"I'm going to bed."

"I'll turn off the light!"

"Good."

"Good night! Sleep tight!"

"I'm throwing something at you."

"My eye! I might cry!"


	38. Stolen Pens for a Baby Shower

**M/N: **Lily had a false alarm and held my hand so hard that I can't feel it anymore. I haven't been able to for three days. Is that a bad sign?

**A/N: **Probably. Umm. . .nothing important to say except that I'm fourteen now and I have a community on livejournal for marauders stories so go! join! write! link at my profile, I'd love to hear from you!Ah, the exclamation marks!

**Order of the Phoenix meeting**

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**

**Notes passed between the Marauders **

Padfoot: Lily looks very round, doesn't she?

Prongs: It's been eight months! I'm surprised she isn't rounder.

Padfoot: Is it awkward hugging her? . . .because honestly, mate, you're not that big. . .can you fit your arms around-

Moony: I would highly suggest not finishing that sentence. Lily is sitting two seats away from you and pregnancy gives women worse tempers than they had to begin with.

Prongs: and much stronger grips.

Padfoot: Well, I can't exactly finish my sentence now. . .you stole my pen, you vicious evil werewolf. I had to steal Wormtail's.

Wormtail: and I had to steal Gideon Prewett's. And I think that he just noticed. My, his muscles are large.

Padfoot: I'll miss you, Wormtail.

Moony: Just quietly slide the pen back to him and whatever you do, do not make eye contact

Padfoot: If Wormtail dies, then I'm blaming it on you, Moony.

Moony: and why is that?

Padfoot: because you stole MY PEN. Thus beginning the chain reaction of pen stealing. You are a horrible influence, Remus J. Lupin.

Moony: Fine, I am. I'm such a horrible person that I should be locked away and kept from all forms of human contact.

Padfoot: Of course not! I'll be there to reform you from your evil ways!

Prongs: Neither of you are coming anywhere near my child.

Lily: I'm talking all of your pens and I second that. Now listen to Dumbledore. This is important. We are in a WAR, you know.

Prongs: We know. (Sorry, love)

Padfoot: We know. (and it's all Moony's fault)

Moony: We know. (Padfoot tried to blame it on me, didn't he?)

Wormtail: We know. (if only Dumbledore were a bit more interesting, though. . .)

Lily: NOBODY IS DOING BACKFLIPS OR SWALLOWING FIRE JUST SO YOU'LL PAY ATTENTION, PETER PETTIGREW, NOW LISTEN!

Padfoot: She's getting more and more like McGonagall every day.

**After the meeting**

**Hogwarts grounds**

**Conversation between Lily, Prof. McGonagall, and Alice Longbottom**

"James hasn't said anything to you about a baby shower, has he, professor?"

"Well, I try to speak to Potter as little as possible, so, no, he hasn't."

"Besides, Lil, doesn't the woman normally deal with that sort of thing? I've been working on mine. It's set for the fifteenth. Frank is appropriately oblivious."

"I've just been so busy, Alice. I've been hinting to James about it,. . ."

"You think he's bright enough to figure that out? Honestly, Lily! This is a man who has spent the majority of his life in the close company of _Sirius Black_. You might just be giving him too much credit."

"Well, I was hoping Remus might have dulled the insanity a bit."

"Not likely. Remember the surprise party? Remus lost the last bit of sanity then, I believe."

"That's disheartening."

"We'll plan it for you. Actually, we could have ours on the same day! That's much easier then depending on James and we'd be inviting all the same people anyway. Except for our family. Are you inviting your sister?"

"I'm. . .thinking about it. She'll go if Mum does."

"Well, that's good. I'll floo you tomorrow and we'll talk about it. Remember, the fifteenth."

"Thanks, Alice."

**Several feet away**

**out of earshot **

**a conversation between the Marauders**

"So, I told all of you earlier about the baby shower I'm planning for Lily. . ."

"Vaguely, yes. The floo network was breaking up so I really heard something like baby power in Lily, but that didn't really make sense."

"Okay, Padfoot. . .anyway, it's going to be on the fifteenth and it's going to be a surprise."

"Ugh, Prongs, don't include me in on that."

"Right, I remember the surprise party, Moony."

"We _all _remember the surprise party."

"You got cake, Padfoot! And mimes! It wasn't that bad."

"But was it that _good_?"

"Yes. Well, maybe. I don't know."

"I'll let you send the invitations, okay, Moony?"

"Invitations. I can handle that."

"Just don't put them in invisible ink like last time. All right? And don't threaten the people you're inviting."

"It was supposed to be a SURPRISE. I had to use invisible ink and it's not like anyone had a difficulty reading it, so THERE."

A/N: The conflicting parties will be next chapter! Sorry to end so abruptly.(**_cough_ **join the community **_cough_**)


	39. Discount Dan's Does Not Sell Masculinity

M/N: oh, the chaos of parties! Moony is about to burst into Shakespeare. . .run for your lives.

A/N: I found the original copy of the prologue for this story underneath my bed. I feel so nostalgic.

**Moony's Flat**

**A conversation between Moony and Prongs**

"Thanks for letting us use your place, Moony. It was the only one that wasn't a safety hazard."

"I understand. I've already broken two bones from walking through Pads's flat."

"Ha! I beat you. I've broken four."

"I don't think that's something to be proud of, Prongs."

". . .anyway. Did you send the invitations?"

"Yes, and they were perfectly civil, thankyouverymuch."

"You'rewelcomeverymuch. Who did you send them to?"

"Umm. . .every woman in the order, every female professor we ever had, your mother, Lily's mother, my mother, Peter's mother, Rosmerta, Andromeda and Nymphadora, Lily's sister, every other female in her family, your family, my family, _and _Peter's family. . .."

"Not Padfoot's?"

"Andromeda and Nymph, yeah. Have you _met _the rest of his family?"

"Oh. Right."

"So how is the rest of the planning going?"

"Very well. . .quite, quite well. . ."

"You haven't done anything, have you?"

"Of course I. . .well, no, no, I haven't."

"Hopefully Padfoot is doing his part then."

**Padfoot's Grand Shopping Adventure Pt. One**

_We find our hero standing in front of a rather disreputable looking muggle store, holding a new credit card, and smiling a bit frighteningly. _

"Discount Dan's Party Extravaganza. Those crazy muggles! This is wonderful."

_Inside Discount Dan's the lights are dim and everything is brightly painted in primary colours._

_Padfoot is in Heaven and his dog side begins to show._

"It's beautiful. Now. . .where is that list that Prongs gave me? I seem to have lost it. Oh, well! I'll just buy from memory. Hmm. . .marshmallow peeps! I didn't know that they sold those this time of year. 10 packs! Oh, oh, and chocolate syrup to go with them. And hot sauce! And pickles! And. . .pancake batter! And streamers. . .lots and lots of streamer. Balloons. . .ballooooooons. . .if I were a balloon where would I- HA! Balloon! Baby balloons. . .baby balloons. . .WHAT? Why would you only have St. Patrick's Day balloons? Why, Discount Dan, WHY?

Well. . .they'll match Lily's eyes. I'll take 40. 2. 42. Right.

Ah, Prongs is going to be sooooo happy with me when he sees what I bought."

_Padfoot leaves his adventure victorious with a parade of green balloons behind him. A day well spent._

**Later That Day**

**Moony's Flat**

**A conversation between Padfoot and Prongs**

"Welcome, Padfoot! I see you found balloons-_wait._ Why do those balloons have shamrocks on them? Padfoot. . ."

"Hold on-"

"Those bags say Discount Dan's on them."

"Yes, but-"

"Give me those! Oh. . .OH, Padfoot! Why. . .you didn't get anything that I asked you to! Anything!"

". . .marshmallow peeps?"

"NO."

"Oh."

**July 15th**

**Godric's Hollow**

**A conversation between Prongs and Lily**

"Come on, come on, come on, Lily! We have to go to Moony's!"

"What? No, James. I'm going to Alice's. She's throwing me a baby shower. Didn't I tell you?"

"James?"

"Are you in shock?"

"Just. . .come with me for five minutes. Five minutes is all I ask for."

"Five minutes in your language is eight hours, but all right. I'll apparate out if I have to."

"Thank you!"

**A few minutes later**

**Moony's Flat**

**A conversation between the Marauders and Lily**

"If you'll just come in for a moment. . ."

"Lily!"

"Lily!"

"Lily!"

"Oh, my. You threw me a baby shower. Oh, oh. . .James. That is so sweet."

"Where is everyone, Moony?"

"Don't look at me, Prongs! I just sent the invitations."

"They all went to Alice's, I bet. She invited everyone she could think of. This is very, very sweet of all of you, though. Really."

"So you'll stay?"

"I don't know, James."

"Please. Pl_ease_? Don't we look pathetic?"

"A few more minutes, then."

**Three Hours Later**

"What should we play now? Hmm. . .ooh, ooh! Let's play guess the sex of the baby!"

"We've played that twice already, Padfoot. There are only two choices. It gets old."

"You are no help, Moony."

"Remus. Alice's owl is trying to beat down your window. I think I'm going to leave now."

"Go, before James gets out of the toilet."

"Thank you."

**A few minutes later**

"She left, didn't she?"

"Sorry, mate. She couldn't stand us a moment later."

"Leaving us a group of marauders. Sitting in a circle with balloons, pink streamers, and a cake that says happy birthday written on it with birthday marked off so it says happy baby day. I now doubt our masculinity just a bit."

"You haven't doubted it before?"


	40. Godfathers and Green Eyes

M/N: Prongs borrows some language from the fangirls. I'M A FATHER OMGWTF! I'M A FATHER **_dies_**. Heh, heh.

A/N: This is a very emotional chapter, but a good one I think, nonetheless. Oh, oh guess what they name the baby! I dare you!

**Godric's Hollow**

**July 31st**

**3:05 AM**

**A conversation between Prongs and Lily**

"James. James, wake up."

"What. . .oh, one hour, mum. . ."

"James! My water just broke."

"What? What time is it?"

"It's 3:05 in the morning, my water just broke, and I am going to have a baby."

"Bloody hell! How are you so calm about this?"

". . .because if I try to act calm, the less likely it will be that I'll end up hurting you, James. . .now get me to the hospital. . ."

"We need to get the bag. Where did we put the bag? Oh, no. . ."

"It's by the door like it has been for 4 months."

"Right, here. . .got it."

"Apparate, James."

"Apparate. . .app-a-rate. . .oh, christ! I forgot how to apparate!"

"That's pathetic."

**St. Mungo's Magical Maternity Ward waiting room **

**Two hours later**

**A floo conversation between Prongs and Moony**

"Moony, we're at the hospital."

"Padfoot blew something up again, didn't he?"

"No! No, Lily is having her baby."

"Oh, lord. I'll get Padfoot and Wormtail. . .and we'll be there as soon as we can, okay, Prongs?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"Wait, I have a question. Why didn't you call Padfoot instead of me?"

"Consider the scale of trustworthiness, Moony."

"Right. See you soon."

**Padfoot's flat**

**5 minutes later**

**a conversation between Moony and Padfoot**

"Get dressed, Pads, we have to get to the hospital."

"Prongs blew something up again, didn't he? Moony, it's, like, 5 o'clock. If he isn't seriously injured then I'm going back to bed."

"Lily is having her baby."

"Why would she do that so early? It's revenge for that time I came to visit at three in the morning, isn't it?"

"Obviously you're not quite coherent. Yes, Padfoot, it is all for revenge. Now come on. . .we have to get Wormtail."

**Five more minutes later**

**Wormtail's door**

**a conversation between Moony and an empty flat**

"Wormtail! Are you awake. . .my fist is going to be bleeding if I keep knocking. . .Wormtail! Come on! That boy can sleep through the apocolypse, I swear. Wormtail! Honestly. Padfoot? Padfoot, are you asleep? Argh. . .I hate everything. Wake up, we're going to the hospital!"

**St. Mungo's Magical Maternity Ward waiting room**

**several minutes later**

**A conversation between Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs**

"Thank God. What took you so long? Why is Padfoot wearing a robe?"

"You know how he handles waking up before ten."

"Of course. Sit him on the couch. . .I need to talk to both of you, but I'll talk to you first, Moony."

". . .no, wait. . .I'm alive. I'm alive! I'm not dead. I feel. . ._happy_."

"He's alive enough to incorrectly quote Monty Python. I think he can listen."

"Okay. You know that if something were to happen to Lily and me, then there has to be someone else to take care of our child, right?"

"A godparent."

"Right. Lily wanted to choose Alice, but since she's having her own baby she told me that I should choose one of you."

"I'm godly enough to be a godparent."

"Go back to sleep, Padfoot."

"You're not going to choose me, are you? You're going to choose Moony because you think I'm not mature enough, right? Well, wrong! Wrong, my friend! I am. . .perfectly. . .mature. . ."

"He fell asleep again, didn't he, Moony?"

"I believe so."

"That's what I was afraid of. Anyway, Lily chose you Moony and. . .to be perfectly honest, I think I agree. Padfoot is my best friend and I know he could handle it if he needed to, but. . ."

"Let him do it, Prongs."

"What?"

"Let him. I know for a fact that Padfoot would make a much better father, especially considering my lycanthropy. Just. . .trust him with this. I know he'll do well by you."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

**Several, several, several extremely long and pace-filled hours later**

"Mr. Potter?"

"Yes?"

"You may come in and see your new son now."

"My son?"

"Yes, sir."

"My son. Padfoot! Moony! I have a son. I'm a father!"

"Are you going to go see him, or are you going to stand out here, Prongs?"

"Oh, yeah. . .a son. . ."

**The hospital room**

**A conversation between Prongs and Lily**

"Hey, James."

"Hey. Look at him. . .oh, look at his eyes. He has your eyes, Lily."

"He has your hair. It's messy already."

"Like father, like son! Ha. What is his name then?"

"What you wanted to name him. I don't care how stupid it is."

"Harry Potter. I love you, Lily."

"I love you, too."

"A lot?"

"Most of the time."  
"Good. . .because guess who's the godfather?"

"You didn't."

"I love you."


	41. Moony is not a woman

M/N: Lily hasn't slept in _days_. Honestly, Prongs, stop whining! Padfoot. . .? All the Marauders notes lately have been about you you you you you. . .and I'm tired of it. . .what about me? Padfoot, do you need a hug? Yes. . .

A/N: IN WHICH: Moony goes insane; Wormtail misses his sandwich; Prongs and Lily finally get a break; Padfoot expresses his feminine side

**To: The remaining Marauders who haven't been forced into the binds of Fatherhood**

**From: Prongs**

Dear Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen. . .whoever YOU ARE,

I have a proposition for you, my dear old wonderful friends whom I adore so very much. If you come to my house now you can hear it and stop writhing in anticipation for it, like I know that you are. Come on, all of you. This is highly important.

-Prongs

**To: Mr. Prongs**

**From: Padfoot, Wormtail, and Moony **

Dear Papa Prongs,

No doubt it's something you need us to do for you. That's all you want nowadays, work. Our relationship is going nowhere! You never talk to us anymore! . . .we're breaking up. And Moony's trying to steal my pen so I can't keep writing this but it won't work I tell you. . .

Hello, Prongs. We shouldn't let Padfoot have pens or paper or human contact, but I suppose you realize this. We'll be over soon because honestly, what else have we to do? It is a woeful existence that we live. Oh, yeah, and Wormtail says hi.

-Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot creeping up on us from behind in a bad attempt at a sneak attack

**20 minutes later **

**Godric's Hollow**

**A conversation between the Marauders **

"Twenty minutes! It took you _twenty minutes_ to get here? I could've been dead by now!"

"You're lucky we came at all, Prongs."

"Yeah. We were going to go bowling."

"You could bowl anytime, Padfoot. . ."

"and we can only do what you want us to do today?"

". . .sure. We'll say that."

"What _do_ you want us to do, by the by?"

"You sound suspicious, Moony. You wound me."

"Just answer the question."

"I will if you would just come inside. . ."

"No! If we go inside now we'll never get out, never! Run while you still have the chance!"

"If I'm going in, you're going in, Padfoot."

"Ow! Moony, let go of my ear."

"Wormtail, get his other ear."

"Right. Ow! Padfoot! I was just doing what he said. You didn't have to hit me."

"Just shove him through the doorway. There. Prongs?"

"All right. Now, men. . .I have a mission for you."

"And. . ."

"And. . .it will be revealed to you whenever Lily gets out here."

"I'll be napping on your couch. . .wake me up when he gets to the point, Moony."

"Fine. Wait, Wormtail, where are you going?"

"The kitchen. . ."

"Oh, honestly."

**20 more minutes later**

**A conversation between Moony, Prongs, and Lily**

"Finally!"

"Excuse me, James?"

"Oh. I mean, you're here, dear. How wonderful."

"That's what I thought. Are we leaving then?"

"Of course. Good-bye, Moony. . ."

"Wait a moment. You want us to babysit Harry, don't you?"

"No. . .I want you to hold down the fort. Watch for deatheaters. That sort of thing."

"Does that include burping, feeding, and changing?"

"Quite possibly. Bye!"

"How am I friends with these people? How?"

"Because you love us. Now what happened, Moony? What's our fabulous mission?"

"We've been duped, Padfoot."

"Again? Ah, well. Can I go back to sleep?"

"Has hell frozen over?"

". . .yes?"

**After a struggle that may have well resulted in several broken bones but really only broke two vases and the frame of the couch**

"Do you think we'll have to pay for the couch?"

"They'll never notice! Let's go baby-sit, Moony. Stop stalling."

"Did you just . . .? No. I'm not even addressing it. Let's get Wormtail and go."

**After a second struggle in the kitchen that probably should have killed Wormtail but really only broke the toaster**

"That was my wedding present! Padfoot!"

"I'm sure they got at least ten more, Wormtail. Put the sandwich down and come with us."

". . .but. . ."

"Moony is angry and will not be trifled with."

"Moony?"

"YES, PADFOOT?"

"Calm down. And stop referring to yourself in the third person. You're scaring Wormtail."

"If he's scaring me then why are you shaking, Padfoot?"

"Shut up, Wormtail, and go feed Harry."

"Fine."

**An hour later**

**The nursery**

"He-won't-stop-crying. Moony, why won't he stop crying?"

"I don't know, Wormtail! Why would you ask me?"

". . .because you're supposed to know these sorts of things!"

"I am NOT a woman! I don't CARE if Padfoot thinks I look good in a skirt! I'm NOT!"

"Stop yelling. You're just making it worse."

"If you know so much about babies then you do something."

"Maybe I will. Hand him to me, Wormtail."

"Don't drop him. . ."

"I won't. There, see? You just have to be gentle about it."

"He stopped crying. You-you just held him and he stopped. . ."

"I've had practice with Nymphadora! Andi wasn't afraid to let me hold her, unlike you two. And I call you my friends. Bah. Oh, oh, I'm sorry ickle Harry. I didn't mean to scare you. Oh, you're smiling. Aren't you just the cutest thing?"

"Moony, you're right. You aren't a woman."

"I know. Padfoot is."

"Oh yes are the cutest, yes you are. See, Moony isn't that scary either. Here's your Uncle Moony. . .do you want to see him, Harry? Do you? Oh yes you do. . ."

"He started crying when you handed him to me, Padfoot. He just. . .started crying. . .it was like he exploded or something. Take him back."

"Oh, there, there, little Prongslet. Moony is just being the stuffy old man that he is."

"I'm not stuffy. Babies just don't like me."

"Maybe it's the werewolf thing."

"Maybe, Wormtail. Thanks for bringing it up."

"No problem."

**Several hours later**

**the living room**

"He's finally asleep. . .I can barely speak for all the lullabies I had to sing. . ."

"Yeah, you just made that last one up, didn't you, Padfoot?"

"The one about the armadillos in the ocean?"

"That one, yes."

"No."

"You didn't make it up?"

"My mother used to sing it to me."

". . .and that finally explains how you turned out the way you did."

"Hmph, Moony. I shun you now."


	42. Puppies!

M/N: after ten rewrites, she _finally_ has something.

A/N: I give you chapter 42, after much anguish, ice cream, and ink-stains on my hands and, more likely then not, my face. I decided to have another OOTP meeting so I could write more notepassing. . .it's rather short, I warn you, but I really want to get these two years of Harry's life over with and start over

**Meeting of the Order of the Phoenix **

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**

_thrown over the table and into Prongs's hand_

Padfoot: Could you not get a babysitter for Harry?

Prongs: No. Lily is paranoid and won't trust anyone.

Padfoot: But she trusted us? How_ sweet_. . .

Prongs: I think she was just desperate that day, really.

Padfoot: Oh. Well, it's sweet all the same.

Prongs: Sure, Pads.

Padfoot: Hmm. Prongs?

Prongs: Yeah, Pads?

Padfoot: Harry just crawled onto the floor and disappeared into the main hall.

Prongs: Oh, Merlin!

_charmed to hit Moony inbetween the eyes_

Padfoot: Harry's run away! We're going to chase him! Help, Moony, our Moony!

Moony: Oh, dear. Where's Wormtail. . .

Padfoot: He didn't come today, remember? He wasn't in his flat, now, come ON!

Moony: I'm coming. . .I'm coming!

**Harry's Grand Adventure**

**The Main Hall**

"Come on, Prongs, he's headed towards the Transfiguration class!"

"It's good to know he got my athletic genes. . ."

"How can one baby move so fast?"

"It's a mystery of life, Moony."

"That will never be solved, Padfoot. . .he changed directions! He's going into the dungeons! Tricky little thing. . ., isn't he? He got that from me, too."

"Oh, no, we're doomed. Doomed, I say!"

"Why is that, Padfoot?"

"Think of all the sharp pointy objects and potentially poisonous substances that Slughorn keeps in there, Moony, and then repeat that question."

"Dear God, you're right!"

". . .I think the world has come to an end. Padfoot has the common sense today."

"No time to think, Prongs! Onward!"

**The Dungeons**

"Where is he?"

"He's disappeared! I'm sorry, Prongs. We have failed you."

"He's right there."

"Where, Moony?"

"There, Prongs! His head is sticking out of a cauldron!"

"Let's just hope that there wasn't already something there."

"We don't want little Harry to sprout an extra arm or something. . .that would just be tragic."

**Back at the meeting**

**several minutes later**

_slipped into Moony's side pocket then later intercepted by Padfoot_

Prongs: Should I tell Lily what happened?

Moony: Let her sleep.

Padfoot: Nobody ever lets me sleep through these! You like her better then me, don't you?

Prongs: Yes.

Moony: Yes.

Padfoot: Et tu, Moony? What about the children? What will I tell them?

Moony: You mean the puppies?

Padfoot: They'll be lost without their mother.

Moony: Single parenthood will be good for you, Padfoot. Teach you some responsibility. Toughen you up. All that jazz.

Padfoot: What about little Billy? And Suzie Jo? And Sirius Jr.!

Moony: They'll just have to make do.

Padfoot: You're such a cruel, heartless. . .werewolf. I knew your dark nature would take hold of you someday. It was only a matter of time!

Moony: Of course.

Padfoot: I don't know why I ever married you. I think it was the scars.

Moony: Many a defenseless young lass has fallen for me for exactly that same reason. There was no hope for you, Padfoot, really.


	43. Of Motorbikes and Moneyless Existences

M/N: Lily and James are taking Harry on his first vacation so the Potters will be absent from this chapter. GOOD. . .I'm tired of listening to the sound of youth being sapped away. Be nice, Padfoot. Fine. . .

A/N: This one is longer then the last one, I promise! Though I did have to rewrite the entire thing from memory because somehow the original copy got deleted. . .

**Padfoot's flat**

**A conversation between Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot**

"Hey, Moony, guess what I ate for breakfast?"

"Do I really want to know?"

"Just humor me, please."

"I don't know, Padfoot. What did you eat for breakfast?"

"Two stale peanuts that I found under the sofa and half a piece of cardboard. Doesn't that sound appetizing?"

"Sort of. I didn't have anything for breakfast."

"Wormtail skipped a meal? Has this ever happened before?"

"It was either skip breakfast for. . .the rest of my life. . .or pay my rent. I like my bed, Padfoot."

"I don't even own a bed."

"You actually sleep on that sofa?"

"No. The springs hurt my back at night. I sleep on the floor with the roaches and the mice. They fought me at first but now I am their king."

"Congratulations."

". . .thank you, Wormtail."

"I know something you could do for money, Padfoot."

"Sell myself for labor, Moony?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of selling your motorbike. . ."

". . ."

"That was a bad idea, Moony."

"I can tell, Wormtail. That is the patented Black death glare. I know, because he used it on me that time in 3rd year when I suggested his hair was just the least bit unattractive."

"How could you even suggest selling Bertha? Bertha?"

"I'm just saying that food is more-"

"No. It's not."

"Well, shelter is-"

"No. It's not!"

"Fine!"

"Hey, Moony. . .do you have money? Do you have_ food_? Why don't you share some of that wealth with your friends?"

"I don't have any more money than you do. I've already had to sell A through F of my books to Flourish and Blotts. The only thing in my refrigerator is a fourth of a jar of mustard and an apple core!"

". . .at least you have the apple seeds, so. . .you can plant them and. . .grow an apple tree. Then you, you can have all the apples that you want!"

"Yes, Wormtail. In 20 years I will be set in life because I have a single apple tree. I am one lucky man."

"That you are, Moony. That you are."

**Later that afternoon**

**Padfoot's Flat**

"Have you realized that we've not moved since this morning?"

"Yes. I have. But I don't care. I'm too hungry to care about anything but the fact that you are looking rather appetizing, Moony."

"Don't look at me like that, Padfoot. . ."

". . .so. . .hungry. . ."

"Wait! I have an idea!"

"No, Padfoot."

"Moony!"

"No."

"You didn't even hear what I have to say."

"I don't need to. I can tell it's a bad idea merely by the excitement in your voice."

"It makes me sad that you've lost the little boy in you. In fact, I don't think he ever existed. And now I'm going to tell you my idea anyway, so there! We should go. . .to _Hogwarts_!"

"I believe McGonagall banned us from begging there last Halloween."

"Than we'll go on Order business."

"And demand lunch?"

"It would only be polite of them to over it. And if not, Minnie has those delightful cookies on her desk. . ."

"Of which you have reaped the benefits of often."

"Somebody has to. Come on, we'll take Bertha."

"Oh, dear. I'm going to die, Padfoot, aren't I?"

"Probably. . .but that is a risk that you must take to be a Marauder. Come on, Moony, Wormtail!"

". . .cookies. . ."

"Wormtail, please stay conscious for long enough to get to Hogwarts. We'd hate to have to drop your body in a lake somewhere."

". . .cookies!"

**Somewhere high in the air above Hogwarts Grounds**

"Padfoot. . .?"

"Yes, Moony?"  
"Why are we plummeting towards the ground?"

". . .well. . .we're. . .umm. . .landing! That's it. We're landing."

"At extremely fast speeds?"

"Yes."

"I'm too young and sensible to die in a motorbike crash!"

"If you were so bloody sensible then why did you get on it!"

"I was hungry!"

"We're not going to die, we're not going to die, we're not going to die."

"Why are you repeating things?"

"That's what I do when I think I'm going to die."  
"Oh, no."

**Hogwarts Grounds**

"I'm alive! O sweet beautiful ground!"

"Bertha? Bertha! Nooooo. . ."

"Padfoot? There's just a dent."

"Her shiny paint job is ruined forever."

"Umm. . .those first-years are staring at you."

"What, have you never seen a grown man cry!"

"Come on, Pads. I think Wormtail is too faint to walk, we'll have to carry him."

". . .go on. . .without me. . ."

"Remember the cookies, Wormtail."

"Cookies?"

"And the possibility of a lovely elf-cooked meal."

"Cookies!"

**Main Hall **

"If it's not Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin, and is that Mr. Pettigrew slumped over your shoulders?"

"It is, Professor Dumbledore."

"How delightful! Do you have a reason for coming or is it just to visit? I do love visits."

"Oh, official Order business, top secret, and all that, sir."

"Really? Come into my office, boys, please, and we'll discuss this top secret hush hush Order business."

**Dumbledore's Office**

"Now, are we all settled in? Just lay Mr. Pettigrew on the floor there, I suppose. Lemon drop?"

"Food!"

"Dear lord, Mr. Pettigrew, that was a miraculous recovery. Have one, have two, why, have the whole case! I have 20 more in my desk drawer, you know."

"So, the Order business. . .we just wanted to say. . ."

"Yes, Mr. Black?"

". . .that it's going very. . ."

"Orderly?"

"Yes, Moony! Thank you. Orderly. The whole thing is quite orderly."

"That's very pleasant."

"It is. It is. .. so, when's lunch?"

"Padfoot!"

"Hush, Moony, I'm getting us food!"

"Why didn't you say so? I would love to have lunch with you three! I'll just call for the house elves to bring us something up from the kitchens!"

"That was easy."

"God bless you, sir. I. . .I think I might love you now."

"That's touching, Mr. Black. Let's say. . .roast beef?"

"And mashed potatoes."

"Of course, what it be without mashed potatoes. . .and pumpkin juice and chocolate mousse to finish it off."

"Did I mention that I love you?"

"And so do I."

"And me. . .if I can have more lemon drops."

"Of course, of course! Lemon drops for everyone! Oh, I love visitors."


	44. Sock Puppet Love

M/N: . . .why am I not invited to dinner, what the vell? I'm sure you've insulted her in some way, Padfoot just like you've insulted virtually every female on the planet. Well. . .that doesn't mean I don't have feelings, too. . .**_sniff_**.

A/N: . . .oh, bother. Here's another touchy-feely 'let's all focus on the baby' chapter. They'll be over soon, or at least, I hope they will. And Padfoot is going to need a shoulder to cry on now and it's NOT going to be me. Or Moony. (oh, yes, and ALEC Diggory is probably AMOS Diggory's brother or something like that. )

**Godric's Hollow**

**The living room**

**Late October**

**A conversation between the Marauders and Lily**

"I still don't see the resemblance."

"Honestly, Wormtail! You must be blind."

"Or maybe I just see better than the rest of you. Did you ever consider that, Moony? Huh?"

"An interesting point, but let me once again list for you the reasons that Harry does NOT look like Kingsley Shacklebolt and DOES indeed look like James. His father. The black hair that stands on end, where, in fact, Kingsley has no hair. The thin facial features, where Kingsley's are muscular and. . .in all honesty, quite frightening. The extraordinarily pale skin, where Kingsley's is. . .well, not. Must I go on?"

"Please don't, Remus."

"Another thing. Do you really think Lily would have an affair?"

"Not with Kingsley, I wouldn't! Now. . .Alec Diggory. . .that a different story. . ."

"What!"

"I'm joking, James."

"I don't think she is, mate. That Alec Diggory. He's a ladies' man if I ever saw one."

"Padfoot!. . .oh. I don't like the way this conversation is headed. First Kingsley is the father of my child and now Alec Diggory, that, that womanizing_ Hufflepuff_!"

"If anyone would listen to me instead of Padfoot, Prongs would be spared much mental anguish. Think of all the free time we would have had if you had listened to my advice all those years instead of his. You could have start your long-awaited career in water polo, Prongs. Padfoot might have found a hobby that didn't involve setting things aflame. I could have finally written that three-volume novel that I always meant to write. . ."

"What was that, Moony? I wasn't listening."

"Very funny, Prongs."

"Hey, if we didn't spend time listening to _you _talk about how unappreciated _you_ are, we would have even more free time, Moons. And I give _wonderful_ advice. I have no idea what you're going on about."

"Third year. Halloween Night. You told Prongs that the way to a woman's heart was through her stomach. Thus, he gave all of his candy to Lily."

"I remember that! Oh, fond memories. I charmed them to chase him up and down the staircases until morning."

"I didn't eat sugar again for months."

"Which is bad how? You were getting spotty, anyway. That helped clear up your now lovely complexion, Lily got more joy from your pain, Moony, Wormtail, and I got to eat your candy. . .where's the bad here?"

"Hidden deep within my _emotional scars_."

"Sure, Prongs. Sure."

"Which lie beneath my deep-rooted psychological issues. Most of which, now that it's mentioned, were caused by you."

"Whatever you want to believe."

**Later that afternoon**

**The nursery**

**a conversation between Padfoot and Prongs**

"Do you realize that 11 years from now he's going to be going to school?"

"Yes, but do you realize that in 11 years you're going to be _old_?"

"You'll be just as old as I am, Padfoot."

"I don't age, Prongs, you know that. I just get younger and more dashing by the second. . ."

"See if you can still say that in 11 years. . ."

"I will still have the face and strength of a twenty-year-old! Nature will not touch me! I will fight it till the end!"

"Or until you get your first gray hair."

"Prongs! I'm ashamed you would even suggest that possible. Just because you weren't blessed with such natural beauty and youth doesn't mean you should take your anger out on me. It means you should take it out on Moony, who will have grey hair by at least next year. If I have anything to do with it at least, moo ha ha ha. . ."

"Stop your maniacal laughter!"

"You always used to love my manial laughter."

"Yes, well, you're going to scare Harry."

"Harry, Harry, Harry. . .what has happened to all our interesting conversation topics?"

"Padfoot!"

"Was that you, Prongs?"

"Padfoot!"

"No. Harry just said his first word. Well, we can't let Lily know about this or she'll kill me. . .agreed, Pads?"

"I was his first word! I feel so special. . .I'm going to tell Lily now!"

"No, Padfoot!"

**The living room _(after a daring chase scene down the hallway_)**

**a conversation between the Padfoot, Prongs, and Lily**

"Lily, Lily, Lily! Guess what?"

"I'm not going to guess. If it's that important you can just tell me, Sirius."

"Well, you are no fun."

"Say nothing or it's an _engorgio charm to your tongue_, Padfoot."

"Oh, you caught me, Prongs. Hmm. . .I think it's worth it. Harry said his first word! Do you want to know what it is?"

"Oh, no. Was it inappropriate? If you ruined my son I'll do you worse than an _engorgio-_"

"He said Padfoot!"

"He said your name before he said mine?"

"Or mine. Should I charm him, honey?"

"By all means."

**St.Mungo's**

**Padfoot's new shiny sterilized hospital room**

**a conversation between the Marauders**

"I already told you I'm sorry, Padfoot."

"Sorry isn't enough this time. My _tongue_ fell _out_. Of my _mouth_! Your tongue is NOT supposed to come out of your mouth, is it, Prongs? Is it? Your deep-rooted psychological issues are nothing compared to this. I will have nightmares for the rest of my life."

"But I brought you balloons and Moony gave you some of his special chocolate and Wormtail is coming back with some flowers. . .is that not enough?"

"You three cannot win my love again with mere gifts."

"Wait, what did I do?"

"You weren't there to stop him, Moony."

"Oh, well that's perfectly logical. I'm taking my chocolate back."

"Wait! You're forgiven! You're my right-hand man now, Moony, my first mate, my amigo, my. . ."

"You're going to make Prongs cry. And I'm still taking my chocolate back."

"Forget being my right-hand man, then. I will fly solo. A lone wolf, so to speak."

"How about if we breath in the helium and do a puppet show with our socks?"

". . .now that will win my love!"


	45. The Secret to Dating

M/N: Moony's _besotted_. I am not! Don't deny it, it's _obvious _that you are _madly _and _passionately_ in love with this _GIRL_ and not I, _Sirius Black._

A/N: And all the wolfstar fangirls die a little on the inside. I had to give Moony a girlfriend just to make sure you know he _is_ straight. In this story. And, also, the name Penelope is thirty-two flavors of awesome.

**Moony's Flat**

**The night before Halloween**

**A conversation between Moony and Padfoot**

"Hallo, Moony, old chap! Have you decided on your Halloween costume for this year or I will I be tragically forced to pick it for you again?"

"No, no, you don't need to pick one."

"So you have one, already? Good show, Moony! After all these years you're finally getting in the spirit of things."

"No, I don't have one."

"You're not thinking of skiving out of it are you? Because I certainly will not let you, at least without a proper excuse. It is my duty as your best friend and fellow Marauder. Marauders do not let other Marauders spend important holidays alone, especially the ones that involve sweets and pranks, both of which are obvious life sources."

"It's not in the Code of Conduct. . ."

"Oh, yes it is. I added it on yesterday because I knew you would try something like this. I know all, Moony. I know _all_."

"Well, if you must know, I have a perfectly reasonable excuse for not rampaging London and getting arrested with you this year, Padfoot."

"Try me."

"I have a date."

"Sure, a date with the Collected Works of. . .erm. . .some old dead guy I've never heard of! Really, you'll need some better material to fool me. Were you not listening to me earlier when I said I-"

"Yes, yes, you know _all _and are singularly the most handsome, genius, and dare I say swashbuckling man of your time. But, really, I have a date."

"You don't have to lie to me, Moony. If you really don't want to spend time with us, just tell me."

"I'm not lying! Her name is Penelope!"

"Penelope?"

"Yes!"

". . .where did you meet her?"

"Promise not to laugh."

"I do solemnly swear."

"I met her at the library. In the poetry section."

"Pads?"

"Moony, you sly dog, you! Picking up birds in the poetry section. I will never doubt again!"

"Thank you. I think."

"Tell me about your conquest. Is she attractive? Did you compare her eyes to the burning heat of a thousand fiery stars?"

"I very well did not."

"That's a shame, because you know how well that worked with Prongs."

"I recall it took him two weeks to be able to sit again."

"Yes, well, all the same. Describe her to me! Is she tall? Oh, she's taller than you, isn't she, Moony? And older! I bet. Oh, Moons. No. You aren't going out with the _librarian, are you_?"

"No!"

"Oh, good. Because if you were I would have had to put you out of your misery."

"That's kind of you. And I'm not going to describe her for you, because you'll turn it into something obscene."

"I suppose I'll just have to meet her. . .say, tomorrow?"

"You're not going to come on my date with me. I realize the time apart will no doubt be crushing, but you'll have to survive."

"Surely you wouldn't say no to a group of innocent trick-or-treaters who came to your door? Especially one with as cute a face as mine? See, I'm just cuteness all over. No one could be heartless enough to deny me."

"I'm not so sure about that. . ."

"Your cynical murmuring do not affect me! I'll be back, and I'll be expecting sugar. Good day, Mr. Moony."

"I really must change my locks. . .or my address. . ."

"I heard that!"

**Godric's Hollow**

**That evening**

**A conversation between Padfoot, Prongs, and Lily**

"Moony actually has a girlfriend?"

"I'm as surprised as you are, Prongs."

"Well, he's hardly asexual, Sirius. He just doesn't flaunt everything like you two do."

"I believe that's partially because we just have so much to flaunt, Lily. Such wonderful features, such endearing traits. . ."

"Modesty being first and foremost, I assume?"

"You assume correctly. I still can't see Moony with a _girlfriend_, though. I always thought his love lied with Shakespeare or Dickens or, I dunno, chocolate."

"He's gone out with girls before, Sirius."

"Really? I don't remember. . .well, there was that time in fifth year with the blind date that I set him up on, with one of my Slytherin cousins. That didn't come out to anything, of course, but. . .who else?"

"He went out with Lily! In third year!"

"Yes, you'd remember that, James. How jealous were you?"

"I think a few potentially dangerous charms might have been sent in Moony's direction, but nothing fatal. Except for the thing with the toilet, but that was an accident. . .mostly. . ."

"Oh, dear. I feel bad now. He was very polite to me, though. Certainly more than one Quidditch player that I might mention."

"Were his manners the only reason you went out with him, Lily?"

"No. . .He's very nice, you know that, and. . .he's not exactly unattractive. James, don't look at me like that, it's true."

"Well, he's no Sirius Black but I suppose he has a certain air about him."

"An air of mystique."

"And old book."

"And chocolate!"

"What girl in her right mind could refuse that? Moony's been holding the secret to dating all along!"

"Manners, books, chocolate, and. . .an air of mystique?"

"Exactly. I mean, I'm sure that's the exact reason you went out with him, Lily? Right? Right? Tell me I'm right."

". . .oh, God. You are right."

"I knew it! I must make study of his every movement, his every word. I shall write a book. It will sell millions and I will be incredibly famous."

"Just like you were going to be with your film career?"

"And your spy career?"

"Oh, and your term as Minister of Magic?"

"Silence, unworthy ones, or you will get no credit in the liner notes!"

**Moony's Flat**

**Halloween Night**

**A conversation between Moony and Penelope**

"I had a really wonderful evening, Remus."

"I did, too. Erm. . .would you like to come in?"

"I would love to."

"Oh. Well, good. Let's see, my key. . .where's my key. . .oh, haha, I'm a wizard, I don't need a key. There we are."

"Are you nervous, Remus?"

"Nervous? No, no, not at all. No nervousness here. Merely. . .excitement. At spending time with you."

"How nice. Your flat is so. . .so clean."

"Well, I am nothing if not clean. Cleanliness is next to godliness which is next to the ability to bake the perfect apple pie, that's what my mother used to say."

"She sounds like a very intelligent woman. Did you get it from her?"

"Get what?"

"Your intelligence."

"Oh, umm, I wouldn't know. It has to do with chromosomes and cells and DNA and all that. I never knew much about that sort of thing. I figured there was nothing I could do to change it, so what's the point of wondering why I'm like this. . .or why I'm talking this much. Ha. Ha."

"I rather like it when you talk a lot. It's quite charming."

"Oh, quite? Well, that's. . .comforting."

"Is it?"

"I . . .think so. I mean, I just said it, so I think that I, erm, think that."

"I think so, too."

"W-why are you walking closer to me?"

"Why do you think I am?"

"Why do you keep replying with questions? I thinks that's sort of, well, insufferable. Unless it's supposed to be mysterious, because I don't really know anything about that and hello! That's your hand on my neck."

"It is. Are you going to kiss me, Remus?"

"Well, actually, I wasn't planning on it, but. . .oh, my! Evidently you were! Umm. . .I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with doing this, you see, this is really our first date and I'm just. . .not particually ready to go this quickly."

"It's just kissing."

"Well, yes, I suppose that's true. And kissing never hurt anyone, unless they wanted to be hurt, haha. . .oh _God_. Surely you didn't find that charming?"

"What would you say if I did?"

"Again, with the questions. And the kissing, and, oh bother, there is your hand on my chest now! Well. Umm. Err. Oh. Mmm."

**Several minutes later**

"What is that? Someone's at the door! I should go answer that now, as that is what you generally do when someone knocks on your door."

"I would have to agree with that."

"It's Padfoot! In a pirate costume, who would have thought? Come in, Pads, come in."

"Oh, well, I would hate to _impose _on your _date_, Moony."

"Imposing? Why, you aren't imposing! Come, sit, let's all get to know each other."

"Hallo, you must be Penelope. Pleasure to meet you. I am Sirius Lee Black, but you can call me Captain Black."

"I could, I suppose."

". . .that was a joke."

"Oh. Well. Remus, I'll just be going now. Floo me sometime."

"All right, good night, Penelope! I will see you. . .eventually. Someday. Maybe."

**After a few moments of awkward silence**

"She seemed nice."

"She jumped me!"

"She. . .jumped you?"

"It isn't funny, Padfoot!"

"Oh, no, Moony, it's not funny at all. It must have been horrible for you."

"Stop laughing!"

"Did she. . .did she have dishonourable intentions? Was she trying to charm you into bed with all the poetry talk? She seemed the devious sort. . ."

"I'm glad you are amused by this."

"I suppose once she used her feminine wiles on you, you were deemed helpless against her extraordinary power. Many a man I hear complaining of a girl like that trying to kiss him. . .many a man ruined from such a thing . . .I am surprised you still have your virtue, Moony."

"Padfoot!"

"You were just lucky I got here before she went too far."

"I'm leaving."

"You shouldn't walk the streets alone! Who knows who might try to take to take advantage of you?"

"Good-bye, Padfoot!"

"He actually left me alone with a bowl full of Halloween Candy. The man never learns."


	46. Prohibition and Patricide

M/N: It's not over yet! I don't want to go to PRISON! I don't want to DIE! I don't want to be EVIL! I don't want to be ALONE! AGH!

A/N: Unison Marauder fits. Interesting. Also, they're right. It's not over yet, for those of you who thought so. Cos it's only 1980 and all the horrible stuff that no one (especially the boys) wants to think about doesn't happen until 1981. OH, Also, I hope you don't mind me making fun of Moony a bit more in this chapter. His ambiguous sexuality is far, far too hard to pass up. Though, once again, he is straight. Don't worry. I just like making his father doubtful and Padfoot angry.

**Mid November 1980**

**the home of Althea and Nicholas Lupin**

**Various notes written on napkins and thrown under the table**

Prongs: so, Moony, tell me again why your parents invited us to dinner? Don't they hate us with. . .what was it. . .oh, yes, a fiery passion indescribable by mere man?

Moony: Dad only said that because you ruined his best shirt and almost decapitated our cat.

Prongs: . . .fine, we probably deserved it then.

Moony: yes, you very well did. And they said they had something important to ask me, and they thought you should all be present.

Prongs: Ooh, intriguing. Maybe they're going to let you in on the family business! Or give you your inheritance, which you will have to split with all of us because what else are friends for, if not to take your money?

Moony: My dad works in the Department of Improper Wand Usage and Mum. . .well, I don't know what Mum does. We don't have a family business. Or anything to inherit for that matter.

Padfoot: The Department of Improper Wand Usage? I have obviously come in late on this conversation. I should have stolen your notes earlier.

Moony: I don't want to know what you're going to make of the Department of Improper Wand Usage, Padfoot.

Padfoot: but, Moony, it will be brilliant!

Moony: If by brilliant you mean obscene?

Padfoot: . . .well, yes, but all the same! Oh, don't give me the death glare. You don't do it half as well as your mum.

Prongs: Many a time she has hung her head in shame at the sight of your glare, Moony.

Moony: Of course. I am the shame of family Lupin.

Prongs: The black sheep. Baaah.

Padfoot: . . .or a wolf in sheep's clothing. Eh? Eh? You left that open for me, Prongs, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Moony: Hold off, dinner's over. I can tell you right now that in exactly forty seconds my dad will clear his throat three times, scratch his chin thoughtfully, and say (in these exact words) 'shall we retire to the parlor for cocoa?'.

**Exactly forty seconds later **

Padfoot: That was BRILLIANT.

**A few minutes later**

**the parlor**

**a conversation between Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, and Nicholas Lupin**

"I assume you are wondering why I have asked you all here today."

"Yes, sir."

"Well, I have a few questions for Remus and I thought maybe he would be able to answer them better with his friends here."

"Oh, dear."

"Excuse me, son?"

"Nothing, Dad, I just think I know what you're going to ask. Go on, though. I'll act surprised."

"Oh, well. All right. Remus. . .when was the last time you had a. . .lady friend?"

"Oh! Oh! I can answer this one!"

"Padfoot, sit down!"

"Oh, come on, Moons. Aren't you going to let me tell him about Penelope the Library Tart?"

"No, I am not. And. . .wait, the Library Tart?"

"I had to give her a nickname, didn't I?"

". . .I suppose so. Well, there you have it, Dad. The last date I had was with a girl named Penelope."

"The Library Tart."

"Right. Do you have any more questions?"

"So you aren't. . .you know. . ."

"No. I'm not 'you know'."

"Oh. And neither of you are. . ."

"I'm happily married, Mr. Lupin."

"I know that, James, I wasn't really talking to you."

"Wait-WHAT? Why would you think that I was-WHAT?"

"I am going to my happy place. I-am-going-to-my-happy-place."

"Good for you, Moony, but WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?"

"Well, I haven't heard anything about girls from you or Remus, and. . .I just thought that, maybe. . . "

"No. No! I am very, very attracted to the opposite sex. VERY ATTRACTED. I would prove this to you, but the only one present is your wife, and I don't think that you would approve of that."

"Quite right."

"Well, this is awkward. And. . .I think Moony is in his happy place. He isn't moving."

"I'm trying to become deaf, Prongs. It's not working. Will you kill me?"

". . .'fraid not, mate. Let's get you out of here. Come on, Padfoot."

**Outside the house**

**A conversation between Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs**

"So, Padfoot, why _haven't_ you had a girlfriend lately?"

"Because, Prongs, evidently ravishing good looks aren't enough anymore."

"Oh?"

"Once we get to the topic of my employment, they always seem to be suddenly uninterested. It is a backwards world that we live in when a man can't get by on his pretty face."

"Hear, hear!"

". . .Moony. Are you alive?"

"I hope not. Is my father still insinuating things?"

"We're not even inside anymore. I think you need a nap."

"Or something very, very large and very, very alcoholic."

"Ye Gods! Moony promoting alcohol? Has the world come to an end?"

"My father thought we were sleeping together, Padfoot. Do you plan on getting a good night's sleep with that image?"

". . .too true. To the Three Broomsticks!"

**The Three Broomsticks**

**The bar stools**

**several minutes later**

**A conversation between Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, and Rosmerta**

"Hullo, boys. Three butterbeers?"

"Firewhiskey. Lots of it."

"Lupin? My, you've had a change of heart. I don't know if I should serve you any Firewhiskey, though, looking at the state of you."

"It might be smarter to give it to them than to not, Rosmerta. They've had a bad night."

"I'm not so sure about this, Potter."

"Do you want to hear about how my night's been? Will that convince you?"

"Erm. . .okay, your friend is scaring me."

"Moony, calm down. Deep breaths. Breathe with me now. . .in. . .and out. . ."

"Hey, Rosie. Do you find me attractive?"

"Black. . .I don't even know what to say to that."

"Oh, _come on_. Just answer me!"

". . .I'll be back with your Firewhiskey in a minute. Keep him away from me, Potter."

"Right-o, Rosmerta."

**Several hours and several glasses later**

"It's a good thing you have a designated apparater, isn't it?"

"Jolly good!"

"Yes, good man, Prongs!"

"I think I liked you both better when you were depressed."

"Stop being silly, Prongs. Sometimes you are just. . .a silly. . .goose. That's a funny word. Goose."

"Hey, it is funny, Pads. Goose."

"Goose!"

"Ok, all geese aside, I think it's time I got you both home. Put the glasses down."

"All right. . .good-bye, Rosie, I'll miss you! I'm counting the hours until we meet again! I'm. . ."

"Take them away, Potter. They're making the other customers uncomfortable."

"Yes, ma'am."

**The next morning**

**Moony's Flat**

_**From the notes of Remus J. Lupin**_

_Have the worst headache ever. _

_Must commit patricide and find a girlfriend who doesn't incite offensive nicknames._

_Cannot even think straight enough to form proper sentences or lift head from pillow._

_Aaaaaaaghhh. . ._

_-R.J.L. _

**Padfoot's Flat**

_**From the journal of Padfoot the Pained**_

_I am never drinking Firewhiskey again. _

_Must kill Moony's father and hide the body underneath the floorboards in my parent's bedroom._

_Then I will alert the authorities. _

_Killing two birds with one stone. Yes. . ._

_-Padfoot_


	47. Prologue To A Weepy Farewell

M/N: WHERE HAVE WE BEEN?

A/N: Sort of a non-chapter, but with chapter-like influences. Oh my god, how did it get to be 2009 O____O

Padfoot: I would just like to let it be known that this is NOT MY FAULT.

Prongs: nor mine!

Wormtail: nor mine!

Moony: I personally blame Padfoot.

XXXXX

Charmed: Okay, guys. It's been three years. I know I promised an ending to this story back in 2006, which is ridiculous, and I apologize to all of the amazing people who have left wonderful reviews and added me to their favorites list and have this story on alert. I've moved past this so much that I'm not in a headspace that I could end this in a way that would satisfy anyone (especially Padfoot, who is finicky about how I send him off to waste away in prison), leastwise myself.

So, I have a proposition, which you can accept or not:

ONE LAST ROUND OF ASK PADFOOT. As a final, official farewell.

Write a review with any question for any of the boys (or Lily), and they will answer every one of them as soon (and with as much embarrasing detail, possibly involving the color of Mr. Moony's undergarments) as possible. It can involve things that happen in the future, the past, whatever you want to know. They crave your attention.

XXXXX

Padfoot: I'VE BEEN SO LONELY.

Moony: he's taken up singing country music to pass the time.

Prongs: please send help.


End file.
